Hey all. I'm not sure what to write about today, but I had to write something. I feel awful, and for some reason writing on here always calms me down. Even if no one is reading, it helps to "get it out". I saw my psychiatrist last week, and I was expecting him to put me on a new anti-depressant, since I've now come off the Paxil and I'm having severe problems being off it. But no, he wants me to wait it out for a while later (easy for him to say). I've been having the most amount of anxiety I've ever experienced. I feel like I'm jumping constantly-like I just need to get out of my skin. Normally I would go to the gym and go for walks (which help) but I just had surgery, and I'm not allowed. No surprise, I'm going batty. Plus my hubby has been working extra long hours, so he hasn't been around as much to support me (though he does try). I often wonder if this stress is too much for one relationship to take (the divorce rate of a couple where one has Bipolar is two to three times higher than a normal divorce rate). But we just keep plugging away because we love each other, and my hubby realizes none of this is my fault. When he took his wedding vows he truly meant for "better or worse", even though it seems to be mostly "worst" since we've gotten married. I really have the best husband in the world! I'm also starting to realize who is truly my life long friend and who can't handle my illness. Some people just aren't strong enough and I need to let them go. Those who love me (always my family, and my best friends) are always there when I need them, no matter what is going on in their lives. They realize the severity of my illness, and how quickly it can turn. But they also realize that when I'm well I'm the most loyal, caring friend they could possibly ask for. And I think that's why they stick around, haha.
As Christmastime comes up (my favourite holiday) I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I want to go. I feel lost; I don't know what I want to do with my career. I wish I had one of those "Magic 8 Balls" that would tell me what to do. It's also difficult for me to accept that I most likely will never be able to work full time because of my illness.....and that I most likely have to spend more time in the psychiatric ward and off work on disability. I wake up many days just wishing I was "normal"-so I could just go to work, like everyone else. It makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight when my hubby is working crazy hours and I'm working part time because I can't take the stress of a full-time job. I know there has to be a job out there for me that would work, but I just don't know how to find it.
Something I have reflected upon is even though I have this horrible lifelong illness, I've been so blessed to have the best hubby, family, and friends imaginable. I don't know how any mentally ill person gets through their day without any loved ones. I would love to find a way to help them....to reach out and tell them-even though life sucks sometimes, it really is possible to live and be happy with this disorder. I did it for a couple years, and I know when I'm stable again, I'll feel happy. But the fact that so many of Bipolars/Schizophrenics/OCD's etc are out there alone kill me. Please don't feel alone....you are always welcome here. I realize this is the 'net and it's not very personable, but please don't ever be afraid to comment (or send me a personal message).
Well, I think that's it for this note. No advice today. Just some honest thoughts. I hope our new year is much easier than this year. I hope I'm able to finally get well (between my relapse this year, having melanoma, bursting ovarian cysts and finding lesions on my liver), I don't think I could handle anything more next year. I hope that my hubby doesn't have to work so damn hard because I'm not able to work. And I hope that my family and friends continue to be as amazing and supportive as they've always been.
I hope you have something to look forward to next year, and I wish you all the best in health, hope, support and love. Thanks for reading!