Hope everyone had a good Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). Mine was busy, but good.
Sadly today I had a huge fight with a best friend and completely crashed. My husband found me sitting in the bathroom staring at a bottle of pills...the only thing stopping me from taking them was thinking of the pain it would cause him to cart me down to the hospital (or worse). For most people fights and disagreements are part of life: for the mentally ill they are the difference between a manic day and a suicide attempt. This particular fight was very difficult because I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. My friend wanted to take a break from our friendship and "maybe" re-evaluate it. Which to me means she was not interested in continuing our friendship. That killed me. Some of the things she said (which I had never heard before) were like stabs in the heart. With everything else going on in my life (physical problems, changing meds, fighting insurance companies, etc) I just couldn't take it anymore. It the same feeling I felt when I was 17, and that scared the shit out of me. I know this is part of the disorder, and thankfully I realized that this was my brain talking crap-not the truth, but often it's so incredibly difficult to tell the difference. So instead, Chris calmed me down, I took some clonzaepam, and now I'm on here, writing my thoughts away while listening to the Beatles. But I have to wonder; Can make it? Most days I'm strong, and I want to fight. But some days, like today, I just want to give up. Thinking about living with this disorder for my entire life-having to go on and off work, having problems with pregnancy and perhaps raising kids, not to mention all the med changes and medication side effects. I'm tired of seeing doctors all the time. I'm tired of having my blood taken every two weeks. I'm tired of people asking me "how I'm doing?" but not really caring. I'm tired of being fat, no matter what I eat or how much I work out (and people making comments about it, not realizing I'm probably healthier than they are).
On these days, this is where I usually sit and listen to music to cry, but I thought I would post because here because there has to be other mentally ill people out there that feel like I do today. And I know the only way we'll get through it is to get through it together. I wish I could feel like every day the reason I want to stay alive is for me-but I can't. Often the only reason I push myself to stay alive and push to be the healthiest I can be is because of my husband, family and friends. I hope someday that changes. I hope that with the right meds, and the right job, I will feel stronger. But I can't lie to myself anymore. People think I'm so much stronger than I am. They think because I write my feelings down on a blog it makes me a "mentor" and "advocate" but really honestly sometimes I just feel like a broken-down version of everyone else. I wanted this blog to be about the bad and the good. There's been a lot of good and information-but I think everyone needs to understand (or try) how truly exhausting this disorder is-every day, every moment we're fighting it. And often it seems like we're losing.
But I can only hope that in the end, with more acceptance and knowledge we'll be able to have more days where we can live for ourselves, and not for our loved ones. Because what scares me is those who don't have any loved ones to live for. The rate of suicide is 10-20 times more in Bipolars than non-Bipolars (Wikipedia). That's scary. The best thing for me when I'm feeling like this is to relax, listen to music, and be with those I love. But there are so many options-check out CMHA website for different group sessions and therapy sessions around the areas. I also check out this website (and some of you may find this strange, but it reminds me of all the people who love me and who would be in pain if I left this world):
It's a page for family members/friends who have had a loved one who committed suicide. Often their words get right to my heart....especially since I was touched closely in my life with suicide as well. I think about how I felt....and how I couldn't do that to my family. I hope I'm not babbling along here; but I had to get my thoughts out. It feels like I've cried all the tears I could cry tonight; I feel drained. I hope all of you reading this take away how difficult this illness is-not to feel sorry for us or pity us-but to support us.
Because we can't be strong all the time. It just isn't possible. Just like the physically ill need people to open doors and help them get in and out of wheelchairs; we need help keeping our minds healthy-we need you to tell us you love us (constantly), and how much you need us in this world.
Do it everyday, even many times a day. It makes a world of difference.