Quick Update

Hey...

Just wanted to say thanks for all the outpouring of support I've been getting (especially those on Facebook! :) ...you guys are all so wonderful. It's so nice to know that there are people out there experiencing the same things as me, and who have taken the same path. The water pills have been making me extremely sick (plus I'm peeing non-stop, haha) but I'm losing water weight quite quickly-my rings are already too big and the bruising is getting better. I have a bunch of tests coming up, so hopefully we will find out what caused the edema so I can get back to being healthy (and getting back onto the right meds). I feel horrible off my lithium, and really want to go back on it.

The one positive thing through this whole experience (and relapses are always quite the experience) is that it makes you appreciate those around you who love you and support you. I've had support and kind words from people all over the world, and for that I'm truly grateful-those are the words that lift me up when I'm really down. It has also brought my husband and I together even more (we went through a relapse before, but not for this amount of time). The stress is not easy on our marriage, but we have a perfect measure of give-and-take, and it has made both of us realize how much we truly love each other. I truly have the best hubby in the world. :D

We can't wait until I am healthy again so we can start a family!!! :)

So, a more positive post this time...and hopefully the next post will be even more positive with good news (or at least some news!).

Take care!

Taking a bit of a break, but I promise to be back asap!

Hey everyone,

I apologize for not keeping up on here...my days have been full of doctors appointments, tests and blood work. I finally saw an internist (specialist) this week, and it seems like (hopefully) he has an idea of what's been going on with me. I'm on heavy duty water pills (which suck because I have to stay off my lithium because of them), but we need to get the water weight off because my feet and legs are bruising...and I'm starting to have trouble walking. The doc thinks it's either one of two things:
a) something is wrong with my kidneys and/or liver (most likely due to the lithium)
b) a combination of the medications I was on (mostly Seroquel and the Lithium)

So.....I definitely still feel awful, but I hope we are at least on the path of getting a diagnosis, and in the meantime hopefully I will get rid of all this water weight! I'm hoping to shrink before everyone's eyes! :)

Anyways, that's why I haven't been on here much. I have some ideas for new posts, and as soon as I can sit up without my feet elevated for a while (we should have got a laptop!) I'll type them up. Unfortunately medications used for mental illnesses are strong and body-altering, and can have serious consequences. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

Ps-I've invited some people from some of my Facebook Bipolar groups, so if it's your first time reading, welcome, and please feel free to join in with your opinions and comments! :) Maybe you have experienced serious complications from your medications? We all need to stick together and educate!!

Take care!

"If you are a true Bipolar you know it is a beautiful curse and tragic blessing, but still wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy."

Hey guys....I haven't forgotten you or the blog. I've been really sick lately, the edema has been getting worse and worse so I can hardly walk, so I've been seeing a bunch of doctors. I was also taking off the lithium (which they thought might be the problem....turns out it wasn't)...so it's likely something physical.

I'll update when I have some more time....hope you all are well!

Why is everyone so misinformed?

So I've watched Dr. Oz off and on for a while, because I find the medical information interesting, even though as a thoracic surgeon I don't believe he's qualified to provide the information he's throwing out there. So I sometimes watch. Today will be the last day. Today he did a special on diet pills. Innocent enough. Until, he told a woman that because of taking diet pills she "became" Bipolar. Seriously? I understand that the drugs she was ingesting had speed in them...but people don't just "get" Bipolar. She ended up in a drug rehab because of the drugs in her brain. That has nothing to do with a mental illness. It's not like stubbing your toe. Having a mental illness is a long, complicated list of genetics and circumstances. It absolutely drives me nuts that the people who are supposed to "know better" and who are educating others are not telling the truth. One of the reasons why there are SO many stigmas out there about mental illness.

Well, I just had to get my mini-rant out there. So long Dr.Douchebag Oz.

Ps-I'll put up another post asap, I've been having horrible side effects from the Welbutrin, so I haven't been writing. I see my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what happens after that.

Take care.

I haven't forgotten you all!

Hey all,

I haven't forgotten you all. I've been crazy busy with doctor appointment; trying to figure out my edema (which we now think is related to my lithium-oh yay). I've been having a really hard time on the Wellbutrin. I'm not able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time-MAX! And when I do sleep, I have horrible, vivid dreams-as if that wasn't bad enough, I scream and yell in my sleep, and thrash and kick. Poor Chris has not had a good night's sleep in a week, never mind the bruises. Has anyone else experienced this? I've decided I'm going to go one more week, and then call my doc if nothing has changed. So far I'm definitely not impressed with this drug. I feel like it's winding up my mind, but doesn't help with the OCD or anxiety AT ALL (which my doc did warn me about). I just have a feeling that this isn't going to be the drug that will work for me.

Just wanted to get a quick post out there. I'm trying Aqua Fit Bootcamp tonight (since I'm not able to work out because of the edema-which is driving me INSANE)....and I'm excited about it. We'll see how it goes!

Hope everyone is well!

An Update

Hey all.

I've been having a much better week this week. I had a great dinner with my best friend on Tuesday night and a really nice lunch with my girlfriends from school today. I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and he prescribed me Wellbutrin, so I finally feel like I have some hope of coming up out of this depression. I've only been on it a couple days, and I'm feeling woozy and pretty "out of it". I have that typical "foggy" feeling from starting a new medication-and I'm pretty dizzy (no driving for me!), but I haven't had any real bad side effects yet. It will take a few weeks for the Wellbutrin to kick in, so we'll see how that goes. I also saw my family doctor today, and she doubled my water pills, hoping that will rid me of my edma. If not, she (and my psychiatrist) are pretty sure I'll have to either come down or off of my lithium; something that scares the crap out of me. I've been on lithium since the VERY beginning of my diagnosis, and to be without would terrify me. Plus, there is a reason it's the #1 drug used on Bipolars. But....we shall see. I'm trying to think positive.

I had a couple different topics planned out for this post, but I've received some more hate mail, and I have a couple more things to say. This will be the last post addressing more hate mail, because it is a waste of my time. But, I feel it's important for everyone to “get" where I'm coming from. I've made this blog public because I want to help to erase the stigma of mental illness. I don't pretend to live my life perfectly; I certainly never claimed to be perfect. This blog is a reflection of my daily life. Some days will be good; some will be bad-that’s the nature of the illness. However, I have the chance to write how I feel and put it "out there" and maybe change someone's perception, or at least help them to understand what mental illness truly is about. So, I've kept this blog public-and I'm glad I did, because I've had some great comments from people I don't even know in different countries with totally different perspectives. Unfortunately, I have a very pathetic and misguided (and also mentally ill) person from my past (who is scarily obsessed with my husband) who has decided that this blog is the way for her to get "back" at me. She thinks she’s found some “smart” way to “get at me”, but really Chris and I just have a good laugh at her posts and delete them. I have disabled the "anonymous" option because she was the only one using it anyways, and will no longer post her posts (they were no longer about the blog, only me and my husband anyways). It's a sad day that people feel they must attack people over the internet, (because they are too afraid to say it in person of course) but I won't let my blog suffer for it. Since I know she's reading (funny how she hates my blog yet continues to read it)-

* I will no longer read your posts or emails. I honestly hope you can get help for your illness some day because at this rate it's going to ruin your life. Good luck with everything. *

I realize that by keeping this blog public I open myself to criticism. Criticism of my illnesses, my doctors, my medications, etc.-I'm ok with that. But this is not a forum to personally attack me. This is an area to talk honestly about something many people aren't able to speak about in public or at home. Mental Illness Awareness is coming, and it's not stopping for the ignorance. It's taken us waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many years to have our voice heard. It's more than damn time. So send your hate mail if you want; it won't be read. I'm focusing on the positive, not just for me, but for this blog, and for the awareness. If we don't do it, no one will. The stronger ones have to fight for the weaker-there are so many ill who aren't able to fight for their rights-but we CAN. So LET'S DO IT.
Thanks again for reading. I so appreciate it.

Ps-Is anyone else on Wellbutrin or have you tried it?

My 2010 Goal

One more quick post before bed. I found this quote in one of my Anxiety books, and I've decided it's going to be my 2010 mantra; I hope you all will join me in it.

"Mental Illness is not an excuse or a sign of weakness."

I don't want to "blame" my problems on my illness, nor do I want to be a victim to it. That's my goal for 2010!

Please check out the post below my hubby did; he worked really hard on it. Comments would be great! :)

My Hubby's Blog

Hey guys. Quick update-

I see my doctor tommorrow, and will hopefully come home with a medication change or head to the hospital. I can't handle this depression any longer; I spent all day in bed today. Thankfully, my hubby made a great dinner and an awesome friend came by tonight, so that kept my spirits up, but I'm thinking about suicide often, and that scares me. I know I need to stay on top of my illness, and I know that my doctor wanted to try keeping me off anti-depressants, but the past month has proven that I can't do it. I will let you all know the outcome, wish me luck.

My hubby finished his blog yesterday, so I'm typing it up for him. He asked me to remind you all that essays (or writing) is not his strong suit, but he wanted to provide his view.

"So, the first thing I should do is introduce myself as Kim's husband, Chris. Kim has been telling me that many of you are asking how you can help a loved one suffering from Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness really). Well, the first thing you should do to help is learn as much as you can about the disorder and how your loved one is affected. Early in our relationship, we found a book that I found very helpful, "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston. As someone living with a Bipolar person, my first role as a husband is to be the first line of defense. That means I had to find out Kim's triggers and know the early signs of a relapse. Any time I see the early signs in Kim I let her know what I see and we try to get her out of the situation that is stressing her out.

Having Bipolar disorder means Kim can't handle as much stress as many other people so whenever there is a lot of stress in her life she is most likely to have a relapse. Now, I know there is always going to be stress in life-my job is to keep a limit to it. Some ways I can help Kim in those stressful times is to just do as many little things as I can-like making plans for us to go out, doing extra things around the house and making sure I do not argue with her. There will be days when your loved one will get mad at you or yell at you and you may not understand why (or think they are totally overreacting); in that case, just be patient. Do not argue-just apologize or let them "get it out". They are just having a bad day. When they are ready you will be able to talk to them about what happened. Usually for Kim she was usually yelled at or got into an argument at work where she could not fully release her emotions. So she holds back and releases it on the first person (usually me).

Lastly, the most important thing I find is KEEPING AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION about the illness, the symptoms and the triggers. Every day when I come home I ask Kim, "How was your day?" or "How are you doing?" and make sure they get into their mental wellness of that day. Every case is different, and every Bipolar will have different triggers, different warning signs, and different ways to treat and deal with it. So, I hope you find this helpful with your relationships, and if any of you have questions, please leave them here and Kim will relay them to me. "


Isn't my hubby wonderful???! What do you all think about his advice?

Ignorance

Hey all,

I'm sure some of you have noticed the ignorant posts from "Anonymous" (what a surprise). I have responded a few times, but it's become a personal vendetta against me (or my blog, I'm not sure). Either way, I refuse to have my blog taken over by someone who has no desire to learn about mental illness. Not only that, I have no desire to write to someone and waste my time typing to someone who clearly just wants to sit around on their computer and have "internet fights". We're not in high school folks. It's now 2010, and a brand new year-let’s hope people can start to understand mental illness (or at least make an effort to). Let's hope we can break down some of these walls of ignorance.


I want to be able to get help, when I need it (not waiting months for a psychiatrist or for a bed in a hospital) and to be able to speak about my illnesses without shame. That's my wish for 2010.

What's yours?

Happy 2010!!

Happy New Years to all!!! I am (trying) to recover from last night-my hubby and I spent an awesome fancy dinner at our favourite restaurant with our favourite couple, and then headed over to a pub to ring in the new year. Hope you all had a great night, and spent it with those you love. We spent the day today with the hubby's side of the family (a tradition)....feeling lots of love and hope for the new year.

I'm going to try and wipe the slate clean this year, and start anew. I wish you all health, love and happiness! More posts to come-including my hubby`s-he`s been working on his for a couple weeks now.

Blondie.

Stopping medication

Many mentally ill people stop their medication because they believe they are "well" because they feel better. What they don't realize, is that the reason they feel better is because the medication is working. Coming off the medication is the absolute worst thing someone could do-it causes the person to crash and for the medication to immediately stop working. Bipolar cannot be cured, it can only be controlled. Medications to two things-stopping an acute episode; and preventing a further episode. A good example is insulin. Insulin is used to control certain types of diabetes, but does not cure the the underlying disease, it just helps to control the symptoms so the diabetic patient can live a more normal life. If the insulin is stopped, symptoms of the disease reappear. Although the insulin helps to control many of the the symptoms, the diabetes is still present. Other examples are high blood pressure and arthritis.

Please, please, please speak to your docor before stopping ANY medication. Even if you feel horrible, stopping your medication can make things 100 times worse.

On that note, this will probably be my last post in 2009. Let's hope that 2010 brings lots of health, hope, and happiness to all of us! Hope you all have a wonderful New Years!

Let's keep in mind in the next year:

 "My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle." - PATTY DUKE (Bipolar)

All about Valproic Acid

I've had a few people ask me about Valproic Acid (it's a less commonly known treatment for Bipolar) so here it is. The information in quotations is from the "Lithium Information Centre from the Dean Foundation for Health, Research and Education."

Info: Valproic is a medication used to treat Bipolar patients who have not responded to more conventional treatments such as Lithium. The brand name is Depakene in Canada and is available in 125 mg, 250 mg, and 500 mg. I currently take 2000 mg (500 mg in the morning, 750 mg at night). My daily amount is based on the type of Bipolar I have, and my body composition (weight, height, etc).

Mania (a very good description I thought) was described as:

"A condition during which one's mood changes from normal to an extremely overactive state, is often marked by feelings of elation, expansiveness or euphoria-a state often described as being "on top of the world". During a manic episode a person may sleep very little, talk very rapidly, and continually take little time of eat, show marked irritability and impatience, and have racing thoughts. Often the manic state progresses to the point where judgment is impaired and contact with reality is lost. It may become difficult to understand what a person is saying. Sometimes poorly thought-out decisions are acted on impulsively, with devastating financial, social, occupational, or legal consequences for self, family, and others. Hospitalization may be necessary for effective treatment.

Depression was described as:

"A condition during which one's mood changes from normal to that of being very low, blue, sad, or unhappy. A person may experience changes in sleep pattern, altered appetite, loss of sexual interest, lack of energy, increased worrying, decreased interest in usual activities, loss of ability to experience pleasure, and difficultly with concentration or memory (though I find that to be true of mania too). Accomplishing normal daily activities, such as going to work, may become difficult or impossible. Depressed people often consider or attempt suicide. Hospitalization is often necessary. At times, episodes are characterized by both manic and depressive symptoms and are referred to ads "mixed states".

Some side effects:

For many patients, the treatment plan is often more difficult to deal with than the disorder or diagnosis. Having to accept a lifelong chronic medical illness is difficult. Some people feel they should people to use their "willpower" or "be like everybody else". I know I've had those feelings; every mentally ill person I know has experienced those feelings at some time or another. The hardest issue is reaching out to be treated and knowing many people will ostracize you. Unlike diabetes (or other physical illnesses), being treated for a mental illness often causes problems with family members, friends and jobs. The mentally ill are called "crazy" (or worse) simply for seeking out help; which keeps many continuing to suffer instead of seeking out help.

Some patients (especially those who tend to me more manic, like myself) miss some of the "good" aspects of being manic-the energy, the euphoria, and they often forget about the "bad" feelings. Many patients also have trouble accepting that they will have to take medication for the rest of their lives (something no one wants to do). And worst than that, (for me anyways), is the side effects. I've come so close many times to stopping my pills because of the side effects. No one can truly understand them unless you've been on them. They are mind altering drugs that can (often) make you feel more crazy than you already are. Plus, the fact that most drugs have only recently been approved for use is rather scary. But the alternative is to live drug-free, where I'd either end up in a mental institution or dead. So I take the drugs.

The blood tests. For Lithium and Valproic Acid you need to have regular blood tests (for me it's about every 3 weeks). This doesn't bother me; I went to nursing school and blood is not a problem. It's a hassle time wise, but that's about it. However, some patients (especially those terrified of blood) hate it, and it becomes a large problem. It is very important that the levels of the medications are measured in the blood so that they aren't too low (and therefore not helping) or too high (and toxic).

Here's a list of common side effects when beginning Valproic treatment:

-nausea (I had this HORRIBLY, I was so sick the doctors kept testing me for pregnancy and then all sorts of other things like a bladder infection, kidney stones, and a burst appendix....I was in the hospital every other day!)

-indigestion (I would go 12 hours of not being able to eat and then I'd be STARVING! And I had strange cravings-pickles and cheese-again why all the doctors thought I was pregnant! :P)

-cramps

-sedation

-trembling

-hair loss

Less Common or Rare

-poor appetite

-vomiting

-diarrhea (another major problem I had)

-abdominal pain (another major problem-I also managed have a ovarian cyst burst at the same time....so it's hard to tell what what causing the problems!)

-weight loss (I wish)

-constipation (sometimes, it was one way or the other)

-rash

-dizziness

-confusion

-menstrual irregularities

It took about a month or so for these side effects to clear. I don't feel any problems now; everything seems to have cleared up. I can't really tell you how I feel mentally because I've come off Seroquel and Paxil in the meantime, and that's totally thrown me, but hopefully in a few months I'll know how I'm feeling.

Anyways, I'm exhausted. Off to bed I go. I plan on doing a write up on Lithium and Anxiety/Social Phobia as well as OCD in the new year.

One more quick note: A woman should NEVER get pregnant on Valproic Acid. Though there are many options for pregnant Bipolar women, Valproic is not one of them. Many studies have proved that severe damage is done to the fetus in the first three months of pregnancy. So use protection!!!

Valproic Acid and Lithium

I'm working on a post on Valproic Acid and Lithium (the two main medications I'm on) based on information I've received from The Dean Foundation for Health, Research and Education.

I hope to have a new post up in the next couple days-I think you will all find it very informative and beneficial-I did! :)

I am feeling slightly better today, I've been spending time with my family and talking to those I love, which really helps.

Talk soon.

Suicide

Hope everyone had a good Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). Mine was busy, but good.

Sadly today I had a huge fight with a best friend and completely crashed. My husband found me sitting in the bathroom staring at a bottle of pills...the only thing stopping me from taking them was thinking of the pain it would cause him to cart me down to the hospital (or worse). For most people fights and disagreements are part of life: for the mentally ill they are the difference between a manic day and a suicide attempt. This particular fight was very difficult because I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. My friend wanted to take a break  from our friendship and "maybe" re-evaluate it. Which to me means she was not interested in continuing our friendship. That killed me. Some of the things she said (which I had never heard before) were like stabs in the heart. With everything else going on in my life (physical problems, changing meds, fighting insurance companies, etc) I just couldn't take it anymore. It the same feeling I felt when I was 17, and that scared the shit out of me. I know this is part of the disorder, and thankfully I realized that this was my brain talking crap-not the truth, but often it's so incredibly difficult to tell the difference. So instead, Chris calmed me down, I took some clonzaepam, and now I'm on here, writing my thoughts away while listening to the Beatles. But I have to wonder; Can make it? Most days I'm strong, and I want to fight. But some days, like today, I just want to give up. Thinking about living with this disorder for my entire life-having to go on and off work, having problems with pregnancy and perhaps raising kids, not to mention all the med changes and medication side effects. I'm tired of seeing doctors all the time. I'm tired of having my blood taken every two weeks. I'm tired of people asking me "how I'm doing?" but not really caring. I'm tired of being fat, no matter what I eat or how much I work out (and people making comments about it, not realizing I'm probably healthier than they are).

On these days, this is where I usually sit and listen to music to cry, but I thought I would post because here because there has to be other mentally ill people out there that feel like I do today. And I know the only way we'll get through it is to get through it together. I wish I could feel like every day the reason I want to stay alive is for me-but I can't. Often the only reason I push myself to stay alive and push to be the healthiest I can be is because of my husband, family and friends. I hope someday that changes. I hope that with the right meds, and the right job, I will feel stronger. But I can't lie to myself anymore. People think I'm so much stronger than I am. They think because I write my feelings down on a blog it makes me a "mentor" and "advocate" but really honestly sometimes I just feel like a broken-down version of everyone else. I wanted this blog to be about the bad and the good. There's been a lot of good and information-but I think everyone needs to understand (or try) how truly exhausting this disorder is-every day, every moment we're fighting it. And often it seems like we're losing.

But I can only hope that in the end, with more acceptance and knowledge we'll be able to have more days where we can live for ourselves, and not for our loved ones. Because what scares me is those who don't have any loved ones to live for. The rate of suicide is 10-20 times more in Bipolars than non-Bipolars (Wikipedia). That's scary. The best thing for me when I'm feeling like this is to relax, listen to music, and be with those I love. But there are so many options-check out CMHA website for different group sessions and therapy sessions around the areas. I also check out this website (and some of you may find this strange, but it reminds me of all the people who love me and who would be in pain if I left this world):

http://www.forsuicidesurvivors.com/survivors-of-suicide-message-board-discussion-forum.html

It's a page for family members/friends who have had a loved one who committed suicide. Often their words get right to my heart....especially since I was touched closely in my life with suicide as well. I think about how I felt....and how I couldn't do that to my family. I hope I'm not babbling along here; but I had to get my thoughts out. It feels like I've cried all the tears I could cry tonight; I feel drained. I hope all of you reading this take away how difficult this illness is-not to feel sorry for us or pity us-but to support us.

Because we can't be strong all the time. It just isn't possible. Just like the physically ill need people to open doors and help them get in and out of wheelchairs; we need help keeping our minds healthy-we need you to tell us you love us (constantly), and how much you need us in this world.

Do it everyday, even many times a day. It makes a world of difference.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays and great New Year! It's been crazy around here (but a good crazy)-seeing lots of family and friends.

Keep checking, I will be putting up a blog soon; I'm working on a couple.

All the best! :)

Quick Update

Hi Everyone,

Feeling better the last couple days. I just wanted to let you know I won't be writing as much the next couple weeks or so, simply because it's Christmastime and we're totally packed up between my family and my hubby's. I love Christmas and New Year's but it takes A LOT out of me, so I spend a lot more time sleeping and taking care of myself. So hang in, I promise to be back at it in the new year. I had a LOT of responses (thank you!) to my last post, which I plan to address. I also plan to address a bunch of other issues in the new year: psychiatric hospitals (and what it is truly like to be in one); Bipolar and anger; I want to do a section on just OCD and Social Phobia and well as Anxiety; New studies and research that are being done all over the world-and that's just some of the ideas. I'm also hoping to sit down with my hubby and get his perspective of my illness (which I think would help the friends and loved ones out there that deal with a mentally ill person).

So to all of you, if I'm not able to post before Christmastime; Have a fantastic holiday, thanks so much for following, it means more than you all could know, and all the best for the new year.

Just a random note

Hey all. I'm not sure what to write about today, but I had to write something. I feel awful, and for some reason writing on here always calms me down. Even if no one is reading, it helps to "get it out". I saw my psychiatrist last week, and I was expecting him to put me on a new anti-depressant, since I've now come off the Paxil and I'm having severe problems being off it. But no, he wants me to wait it out for a while later (easy for him to say). I've been having the most amount of anxiety I've ever experienced. I feel like I'm jumping constantly-like I just need to get out of my skin. Normally I would go to the gym and go for walks (which help) but I just had surgery, and I'm not allowed. No surprise, I'm going batty. Plus my hubby has been working extra long hours, so he hasn't been around as much to support me (though he does try). I often wonder if this stress is too much for one relationship to take (the divorce rate of a couple where one has Bipolar is two to three times higher than a normal divorce rate). But we just keep plugging away because we love each other, and my hubby realizes none of this is my fault. When he took his wedding vows he truly meant for "better or worse", even though it seems to be mostly "worst" since we've gotten married. I really have the best husband in the world! I'm also starting to realize who is truly my life long friend and who can't handle my illness. Some people just aren't strong enough and I need to let them go. Those who love me (always my family, and my best friends) are always there when I need them, no matter what is going on in their lives. They realize the severity of my illness, and how quickly it can turn. But they also realize that when I'm well I'm the most loyal, caring friend they could possibly ask for. And I think that's why they stick around, haha.

As Christmastime comes up (my favourite holiday) I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I want to go. I feel lost; I don't know what I want to do with my career. I wish I had one of those "Magic 8 Balls" that would tell me what to do. It's also difficult for me to accept that I most likely will never be able to work full time because of my illness.....and that I most likely have to spend more time in the psychiatric ward and off work on disability. I wake up many days just wishing I was "normal"-so I could just go to work, like everyone else. It makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight when my hubby is working crazy hours and I'm working part time because I can't take the stress of a full-time job. I know there has to be a job out there for me that would work, but I just don't know how to find it.

Something I have reflected upon is even though I have this horrible lifelong illness, I've been so blessed to have the best hubby, family, and friends imaginable. I don't know how any mentally ill person gets through their day without any loved ones. I would love to find a way to help them....to reach out and tell them-even though life sucks sometimes, it really is possible to live and be happy with this disorder. I did it for a couple years, and I know when I'm stable again, I'll feel happy. But the fact that so many of Bipolars/Schizophrenics/OCD's etc are out there alone kill me. Please don't feel alone....you are always welcome here. I realize this is the 'net and it's not very personable, but please don't ever be afraid to comment (or send me a personal message).

Well, I think that's it for this note. No advice today. Just some honest thoughts. I hope our new year is much easier than this year. I hope I'm able to finally get well (between my relapse this year, having melanoma, bursting ovarian cysts and finding lesions on my liver), I don't think I could handle anything more next year. I hope that my hubby doesn't have to work so damn hard because I'm not able to work. And I hope that my family and friends continue to be as amazing and supportive as they've always been.

I hope you have something to look forward to next year, and I wish you all the best in health, hope, support and love. Thanks for reading!

Questions/Answers

You asked.....I answered. Well, to the best of my ability. Again, keep in mind I am not a doctor, I am only answering these questions from my personal experience.

-Is Manic depression is different than bipolar disorder?
No, "Manic Depression" is the old (no longer used) name for "Bipolar Disorder". Bipolar Disorder was found to be a more accurate description of the disorder.


-I’m feeling better since taking my medications, which means I probably don’t need them any more, right?
Wrong, wrong, WRONG! The reason you are feeling better is because the medication is WORKING. Unfortunately this is one of the worst problems with Bipolar (and all mental illness) patients-they assume that because they feel "back to normal" they no longer need the medication. Psychiatric drugs are not like Advil; you can't just take them when you feel like it. They must be taken as prescribed, for as long as prescribed (often for the rest of your life). That's just part of the illness. Often a patient will think they are "cured", come off their medication, and crash. And then they have to go through the whole process of going back onto new medications and becoming stable-it ISN'T worth it!


-Is Bipolar "curable"?
No, it's "treatable". For now at least. Let's hope there's a cure in the future-that's why exposure is so very important.

-How is bipolar disorder diagnosed?
Bipolar is usually diagnosed during the teen years (I was 17). Usually a Bipolar patient will go through a manic episode and crash and attempt suicide (and thus end up in the hospital), where they will be diagnosed.. Usually there is a genetic history. The family doctor will refer the patient to a psychiatrist who will evaluate the patient over a length of time.


-What are the two types of Bipolar?

• Bipolar I defines patients with the classic form of this disease: Recurring episodes of mania and depression.

• Bipolar II defines those who never experience severe mania but instead the manic episodes are milder, and alternate with depression.

-What causes Bipolar?
The cause of Bipolar is still unknown, but science is getting closer to determining it daily. It is generally thought that the neourtransmitters serotonin, norepinephrine or dopamine have a great impact, as does genetic factors. Stress also plays a major role in relapses.

-Are Bipolars dangerous to others?
When Bipolars are manic, they can become very reckless and dangerous. That's one of the reasons why it is important for Bipolars to recognize their own "triggers" and realize when they are starting to slide in "manic mode" (as I call it). Family members and friends can also help by keeping an eye out. The Bipolar patient should head straight to their psychiatrist as soon as they feel "off".


-What is "hypomania"?
Hypomania means, literally, "mild mania."

-What is "Rapid Cycling"?
Rapid Cycling is officially defined as "experiencing 4 or more bipolar episodes within 12 months". I am an extreme rapid cycler-often expericing cycles in a couple days or even hours. For some reason this is much more common in women.


-What can I do if my loved one is Bipolar?

Twelve things to do if your loved one has depression, manic-depression,
or some other mood disorder:

1. Don't regard this as a family disgrace or a subject of shame.
Mood disorders are biochemical in nature, just like diabetes, and
are just as treatable.

2. Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person. Chances are
he/she has already told him or herself everything you can
tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the rest.
You may only increase their feeling of isolation or force one
to make promises that cannot possibly be kept. (I promise I'll
feel better tomorrow honey; I'll do it then, okay?)

3. Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude.
It is possible to create this impression without saying a word.
A person suffering from a mood disorder has an emotional
sensitivity such that he/she judges other people's attitudes
toward him/her more by actions, even small ones, than by spoken
words.

4. Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal. Since persons with mood
disorders are not in control of their affliction, this approach
only increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you loved me, you
would not have diabetes."

5. Avoid any threats unless you think them through carefully and
definitely intend to carry them out. There may be times, of
course, when a specific action is necessary to protect children.
Idle threats only make the person feel you don't mean what you say.

6. If the person uses drugs and/or alcohol, don't take it away from
them or try to hide it. Usually this only pushes the person into
a state of desperation and/or depression. In the end he/she will
simply find news ways of getting more drugs or alcohol if he/she
wants them badly enough. This is not the time or place for a
power struggle.

7. On the other hand, if excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol is
really a problem, don't let the person persuade you to use drugs
or drink with him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her
use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the use of
drugs or alcohol, it is likely to cause the person to put off
seeking necessary help.

8. Don't be jealous of the method of recovery the person chooses.
The tendency is to think that love of home and family is enough
incentive to get well, and that outside therapy should not be
needed.

Frequently the motivation of regaining self respect is more
compelling for the person than resumption of family
responsibilities. You may feel left out when the person turns
to other people for mutual support. You wouldn't be jealous
of their doctor for treating them, would you?

9. Don't expect an immediate 100 percent recovery. In any
illness, there is a period of convalescence. There may be
relapses and times of tension and resentment.

10. Don't try to protect the person from situations which you believe
they might find stressful or depressing. One of the quickest ways
to push someone with a mood disorder away from you is to make them
feel like you want them to be dependent on you.

Each person must learn for themselves what works best for them,
especially in social situations. If, for example, you try to
"shush" people who ask questions about the disorder, treatment,
medications, etc., you will most likely stir up old feelings of
resentment and inadequacy. Let the person decide for THEMSELVES
whether to answer questions, or to gracefully say "I'd prefer to
discuss something else, and I really hope that doesn't offend you".

11. Don't do for the person that which he/she can do for him/herself.
You cannot take the medicine for him/her; you cannot feel his/her
feelings for him/her, and you can't solve his/her problems for
him/her; so don't try. Don't remove problems before the person
can face them, solve them or suffer the consequences.

12. Do offer love, support, and understanding in the recovery,
regardless of the method chosen. For example, some people
choose to take meds; some choose not to. Each has advantages
and disadvantages (more side-effects versus greater possibility of
relapse, for example). Expressing disapproval of the method
chosen will only deepen the person's feeling that anything
they do will be wrong.

-How can I explain Bipolar to others?

Stick to the basics. Most people can't retain everything about Bipolar; a lot of people don't want to. Just explain that Bipolar means you get mood swings, from elation to depression, and those mood swings have nothing to do with what is going on with their lives. It's caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain. Mania doesn't mean "crazy"-it refers to high emotions, fast talking, full of energy, not need much (any) sleep....etc. I'm a rapid cycler, which means that  I can be ultra-excited one day and deeply depressed the next, for no obvious reason. I get into what are called "mixed states" when I seem to have a lot of energy but at the same time am really down, angry or panicky. When I'm manic, I have particular problems with spending money and shopping. Inappropriate anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. I might say or have said hurtful things that I really don't mean - I'm sorry! Just keep it short and simple, otherwise it becomes overwhelming.

-How Often Do People with Bipolar Disorder Cycle?

It depends on the patient!

-What can a girlfriend/boyfriend do for THEMSELVES to stay grounded while trying to deal with the emotional and mental struggles of their significant other?

I think my hubby (and family) would probably be able to better answer this one, but I'll do my best. It's important for loved ones to stay strong, which means being able to give to support, but sometimes means stepping back too. Mental illness is exhausting for everyone involved, and everyone needs a break at some point. Loved ones have to realize that the mental illness has nothing to do with them; you cannot control it; it's beyond your power. You can make suggestions and try and give support to the mentally ill, but often they will push you away. Be patient. That is the best advice I can give. Eventually, we will either hit our "wall" or something will change, and we'll realize we need the help/support/whatever. Realize that when you get into a relationship with a mentally ill person, it's lifelong. It never goes away, and you (as a couple) have to fight it daily. I'm not saying it's not worth it; but sometimes (often, actually) I question why my hubby sticks around with all the crap I throw at him. But he loves me, and I love him. And that's what it comes down to. I never asked for this illness, I don't want it, but I have it....and I try and make the best of it-I take my medications always as prescribed, I always see my doctors when I'm supposed to-so my hubby sees the effort I put into staying healthy, and that means he'll let it slide when I do screw up. So there's no real easy answer here. It's a long, very difficult road (like any life long illness), but the best advice I can give to the loved ones-stay strong, stay healthy, get therapy for yourself if you need it, and don't be afraid to reach out to others-many cities have family and friend groups for the mentally ill!

Hi Everyone,

I'm still working on some questions from my last post. I've been feeling horrible the last couple days, and I've had some bad news from my insurance company (which you will hear about later on) so I hope to finish up the "questions" post and hopefully a new one about my new situation (since I've found it to be quite common among Bipolars).


Hope you all are well.

What would you like to know?

Hey everyone. I'm doing better physically today-actually made it to the gym for a kick ass workout. I'm worse mentally unfortunately; had to bump up my psychiatrist appointment from next week to this week. I'm having severe anxiety, and I'm having problems related to my new medication-a lot of swelling, and my thyroid levels are all off, which means my hormones are all off. So I will keep you all informed as to what happens (my doctors appointment is on Thursday). But....on a happier note:

I wanted to send out to you; the readers, (and I'm hoping you will respond honestly here), if you could ask a mentally ill person a question, what would it be? What do you want to know? What don't you understand?

Please post a comment (or send one to me on Facebook or my email: hou_k@hotmail.com if you don't want it to be public). I'd like to explore the "common misconceptions" together!

Hope everyone is well!

 Question Number One I Received :

"What can a girlfriend/boyfriend do for THEMSELVES to stay grounded while trying to deal with the emotional and mental struggles of their significant other?"

  ** Note, I'm working through the questions and answers....hope to have them up by the end of the week!**