Hope everyone had a good Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). Mine was busy, but good.
Sadly today I had a huge fight with a best friend and completely crashed. My husband found me sitting in the bathroom staring at a bottle of pills...the only thing stopping me from taking them was thinking of the pain it would cause him to cart me down to the hospital (or worse). For most people fights and disagreements are part of life: for the mentally ill they are the difference between a manic day and a suicide attempt. This particular fight was very difficult because I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. My friend wanted to take a break from our friendship and "maybe" re-evaluate it. Which to me means she was not interested in continuing our friendship. That killed me. Some of the things she said (which I had never heard before) were like stabs in the heart. With everything else going on in my life (physical problems, changing meds, fighting insurance companies, etc) I just couldn't take it anymore. It the same feeling I felt when I was 17, and that scared the shit out of me. I know this is part of the disorder, and thankfully I realized that this was my brain talking crap-not the truth, but often it's so incredibly difficult to tell the difference. So instead, Chris calmed me down, I took some clonzaepam, and now I'm on here, writing my thoughts away while listening to the Beatles. But I have to wonder; Can make it? Most days I'm strong, and I want to fight. But some days, like today, I just want to give up. Thinking about living with this disorder for my entire life-having to go on and off work, having problems with pregnancy and perhaps raising kids, not to mention all the med changes and medication side effects. I'm tired of seeing doctors all the time. I'm tired of having my blood taken every two weeks. I'm tired of people asking me "how I'm doing?" but not really caring. I'm tired of being fat, no matter what I eat or how much I work out (and people making comments about it, not realizing I'm probably healthier than they are).
On these days, this is where I usually sit and listen to music to cry, but I thought I would post because here because there has to be other mentally ill people out there that feel like I do today. And I know the only way we'll get through it is to get through it together. I wish I could feel like every day the reason I want to stay alive is for me-but I can't. Often the only reason I push myself to stay alive and push to be the healthiest I can be is because of my husband, family and friends. I hope someday that changes. I hope that with the right meds, and the right job, I will feel stronger. But I can't lie to myself anymore. People think I'm so much stronger than I am. They think because I write my feelings down on a blog it makes me a "mentor" and "advocate" but really honestly sometimes I just feel like a broken-down version of everyone else. I wanted this blog to be about the bad and the good. There's been a lot of good and information-but I think everyone needs to understand (or try) how truly exhausting this disorder is-every day, every moment we're fighting it. And often it seems like we're losing.
But I can only hope that in the end, with more acceptance and knowledge we'll be able to have more days where we can live for ourselves, and not for our loved ones. Because what scares me is those who don't have any loved ones to live for. The rate of suicide is 10-20 times more in Bipolars than non-Bipolars (Wikipedia). That's scary. The best thing for me when I'm feeling like this is to relax, listen to music, and be with those I love. But there are so many options-check out CMHA website for different group sessions and therapy sessions around the areas. I also check out this website (and some of you may find this strange, but it reminds me of all the people who love me and who would be in pain if I left this world):
http://www.forsuicidesurvivors.com/survivors-of-suicide-message-board-discussion-forum.html
It's a page for family members/friends who have had a loved one who committed suicide. Often their words get right to my heart....especially since I was touched closely in my life with suicide as well. I think about how I felt....and how I couldn't do that to my family. I hope I'm not babbling along here; but I had to get my thoughts out. It feels like I've cried all the tears I could cry tonight; I feel drained. I hope all of you reading this take away how difficult this illness is-not to feel sorry for us or pity us-but to support us.
Because we can't be strong all the time. It just isn't possible. Just like the physically ill need people to open doors and help them get in and out of wheelchairs; we need help keeping our minds healthy-we need you to tell us you love us (constantly), and how much you need us in this world.
Do it everyday, even many times a day. It makes a world of difference.
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Whatever motivation may strike you in order to surpress a suicide attempt is pretty damn good motivation. Questioning one's own worth is natural, and the fact that your loved ones are your priority and motivation isn't a flaw, but a true indication of how much you are actually worth to those lucky enough to have you in their lives.
ReplyDelete-craig
We love you. You are so very much needed in our world. Thank you for being brave, AND finding a constructive way to manage the onslaught of emotions that you get barraged with. We are all better off for your blog...and for understanding bipolar...even a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteMaybe some direction in life would help. It could be that you are depressed because you never do anything other then party with ur besties and cry about how hard life is. It's hard for everyone and many many more than you. Suck it up and trek on. People without food or homes in war torn countries or on the frozen streets Are the ones that should be writing about pain and strife.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as life is, it will always get better. My mom had schizophrenia and I've watched her battle her demons for years, with suicide attempts, drug overdoses, alcohol abuse and self abuse. It was a very hard illness for my mom to accept. My mom is in heaven now pain free and free as a bird. Don't ever give up and get the help you need. Life is too precious and it kills the people around you to watch you suffer. Stay strong girl and keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteResponding to anonymous-
ReplyDeleteI thought about deleting your comment, but I know who you are (hence why you refuse to use your name) and I thought your ignorance would be a great opportunity to educate-exactly what this blog is for. I don't pretend to know about torn countries or frozen streets (though neither do you), but I do know about living with a disorder that completely takes over your life. The fact that you are reading this blog clearly means you are curious as well, and are angry about something and are lashing out at me. The purpose of this blog is to educate, if you are not interested in that; don't read. I have more than enough readers interested in truly knowing how to help the mentally ill (usually a friend or loved one, which you clearly don't have). As for the direction in my life, again, you must not know me very well. Partying? That's hilarious. If you knew anything about being depressed (or mental illness in general) you would understand "partying and hanging out with besties" are the LAST thing a person wants to do when they are ill. Depressed means staying in bed, and being completely isolated-have you not read the rest of my blog? I won't defend myself because this is my blog, and I can say what I wish, but I will warn you that any more comments like that will be deleted because people who are ACTUALLY ill do read this blog, and I don't want them to read the bullshit you've just written. So your "suck it up" lifestyle may work for yourself, but don't dish out advice for something you clearly have NO knowledge about.
Craig-Thanks for your kind words!
ReplyDeleteTanya-Thanks for your support and love. Sadly (as you can see above) not everyone agrees....but I will persevere because it's something I believe in, and something that I know those who truly love me understand.
ReplyDeleteMarie-Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. I really appreciate the words, and I'm going to continue to fight the best I can! :)
ReplyDeleteA comment I received on Facebook from Laura:
ReplyDelete"I know how this feels and yeah it is really devastating to feel like you have come so far from that "feeling" and then to find your self staring down the barrel of a gun, in your case, a bottle of pills.
In order for me to cope for sudden experiences of loss or anger or bad change in life I learned that I was throwing my arms up in the air and ... See Moregiving up. I had to personally change my outlook on things and try not to allow myself to throw my arms up. This has taken me years to work on and even though I am good with it sometimes certain things will bring back that feeling, as I can only imagine it did with you and your friend removing the "friendship".
I hope that you are doing better today and I hope that you know you have more people who care about you and your life then people who don't want you around. You are strong to have to go through life with this, as I personally know, it is ridiculous to feel the roller coaster and it hurts like hell. So consider yourself stronger than the average person because everyday if a new battle and you have to face it and take it on. I think you're strong... I know you're strong... meditate and accumulate the better feelings in life."
I totally get what you are saying-I just wish it was that easy :P ....it's like a bomb going off. I can only take so much and then BOOM, you know? Chris tries to help me break it down piece by piece, but that isn't always easy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not doing much better today-took an obscene amount of sleeping pills last night and still couldn't sleep, but I'm hoping in the next couple days things will look up. ... See More
Thanks for the encouraging words, it means a lot. :)
A comment I received on Facebook from Cheryl:
ReplyDelete"Kim - one of Darryl's best friends committed suicide last year (he had Bipolar disorder) and it destroyed his sister, his parents, and his friends, and I remember thinking "what a waste." I don't mean that in a blaming sense AT ALL - I know that there is no way I can know what it's like for someone with this illness - but I just felt like it was a ... See Morecolossal waste of a great life and a young, strong, brave person with SO much still to experience and so much more to give. And I was angry at the injustice of it - that this illness created for him a false reality where he couldn't see how special he was and how his life had so much meaning. You deserve to live a full, healthy life, be a mom, and do all the other things you want to do, and this world, and everyone who loves you, deserve to have you here giving and loving and being a part of their lives, too. Be brave. You're so good at it. ♥ "
Another comment from "Anyonymous (what a suprise)...the last comment I'll allow, but I'll address it: My answers are in the brackets.
ReplyDelete"Yeah defending yourself would be too hard. (It's my blog, why on earth should I "defend myself?") But I'll have u know that I know at least 2 other people (1 of them very well) with your particular disorder (Oh wow, two people, does that make you some sort of expert on mental illnesses? I have many illnesses and wouldn't consider myself an expert)and they would say that a true mentor is one that makes the most success possible out of their lives without the feel sorry for
me bit. (I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me at all, in fact if you've read my other posts you would realize I want to educate and send out a positive message about mental illness). Those are the people that make a difference, the ones that give life their all despite thier disorders. Not the ones that draw attention to it and post some winey shit about how hard they have it. (This post, as I've already said, has been the only negative post, and I believe it's important for people to see the good and the bad of mental illnesses. Especially suicide, since it's such a huge part of being ill). The reason I posted on here was to hopefully shed some light on your selfishness and hopefully you will realise that there are lots of people that are much worse (as I've already said, mental illness is an illness of the brain; you can't rationalize it. You can't just say, "Oh, damn those people are starving, so I should feel better. It doesn't work like that. When your brain is telling you everyone hates you and that life is worthless; that's what you believe. Just because you "know" people with a mental illness doesn't mean you understand-clearly)if than you and maybe you should consider what you have instead of what you don't. (Again, see above points). Because let me tell you your husband is a saint for pitting up with your shit (And yes, my husband is a saint, but not for "putting up with my shit" as you say, he's a saint because he loves me even though I have a horrible illness that is incredibly difficult to distinguish from my personality and my illness.)
And as I've said, that will be your last post, because this blog is meant for education, support, and love; not ignorance. or rudeness. You've posted twice on my blog today, so clearly you just want to sit around on your computer and start fights. That's not my purpose. Go find another blog.
To "Anyonomous"
ReplyDeleteyou are entitled to your opinion....
No matter how wrong your opinion may be.
Judging is easy, walking in the shoes of people who suffer is difficult.
A twist on the old saying is "if you cant say anything helpful or positive, keep your mouth shut" is applicable here.
Knowlege IS power.....get yourself educated on this insidious, horrible disease.
Stevie-
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post. "Anonymous" (who really isn`t) clearly knows nothing about mental illness, nor do they wish to. I will no longer allow posts from them, because their posts are detrimental to the point of this blog-for education and support.
Thanks for reading Stevie, and I hope you continue to do so. :)
You have noooo idea who I am trrruuussttt me
ReplyDeleteon that. Secondly I saw on ur 2010 blog that u went to a pub to ring in the new year. If you are actually taking zolof and any of the diazapams and lithium you should not be drinking. But i still doubt you actually have any of these problems. As for your depression, you are just lazy and out of shape and thus depressed. Healthy people are happy people. You use these many unidentified (conveniently) "health problems" as a crutch, or an excuse to maintain a lax lifestyle. Have a good year.
Anonymous-
ReplyDeleteI just couldn't resist. You make it too easy for me. And yes, I do have an idea who you are. You are not as suave and smart as you believe. As someone who is unable to use grammar properly, or spell, I'm not too concerned as to your opinion. Like Stevie said before me, ignorance is bliss, and you are clearly as ignorant as they come. Why do you keep reading this blog if you disagree with me? Why keep reading if you have no desire to learn and educate yourself? It's obviously because you have a personal vendetta against me, and I will not allow it to continue on my blog. This is my space, for support of other mentally ill people-people who you clearly don't understand and don't have in your life. As for the pub comment, which I found (VERY!!!) amusing.....I don't drink. I was recovering from staying up ridiculously late, which is difficult to do when you are on a sleep schedule (which is recommended for Bipolars, which I wouldn’t expect you to know). If you knew me well enough, you would know that. You would also know I'm the opposite of lazy-in fact I'm at the gym more often (at least 3 times a week) than the most of my thinner friends. And lax lifestyle? Do you even KNOW me? Clearly not. If you knew my husband, family or friends, you would know how active we all are. You are either making assumptions or just throwing out random bullshit to try and get your (invalid) point across. But again, I don't have to justify my life to you. If you'd read my blog you would see I'm BIPOLAR-so you would explain mania with being "lazy"? Hilarious. Again, another reason to educate yourself. People like you are the reason why there are so many misconceptions out there. But that's OK; we're working to change them. Just like diseases such as diabetes -eventually mental illness will just be another illness that needs to be treated, whether people like you exist or not. I really have no idea what you are referring to as "unidentified health problems"...I have been nothing but honest and open on this blog (which is why it's so pathetic that you have chosen to attack my blog in such a way). This blog is about my life, so I do refer to other things than my illness, however I'm not going to write huge blogs about other health illnesses (such as having a burst ovarian cyst a month ago) because it has no relevance.
I don't understand why I keep getting responses from you, nor do I know why you care. If you don't want to read; don't. I'm certainly not forcing you. I have more than enough people (who truly care about this cause) reading this blog.
I can only hope the new year brings you out of your ignorant bubble, but I certainly don't believe it will.
Kim,
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage and strength talking about these issues. Unfortunately being this honest sometimes opens the door to criticism and judgement. Mental diseases are the most stigmatized group of disorders in society today (which no doubt you know all too well).
To anonymous I would say: as a nurse I see disease every day. I know that a certain disease process can manifest itself in many different ways. This is no different for mental illness. Suffering from an illness, or knowing some one who does, does not make you an expert on that disease, nor does it give you the right to pass judgement. It MAY make you an expert on how that disease affects and challenges you/that person. There are so many aspects of life that affect health; genetics, lifestyle, previous experiences,and support systems are just a few that come to mind. That's why two people suffering from the same disease can have entirely different experiences. It's easy to judge others. What's hard is to widen your view and take another person's perspective. You'll never truly know what it's like to be them, but a little empathy goes a long way.
Kim, it is unfortunate that you are being judged for being honest and trying to help others through your own experiences. I suggest you surround yourself with positive things and people that love you. Don't waste any more energy on ignorant people! All the best to you and Chris, and keep doing whatever you can to stay happy and healthy and strong together!!
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honest and supportive post. Sadly, being honest and open does mean criticism sometimes, it's just unfortunate that this person is criticising things they have no knowledge of. And you are correct-having an illness does not make me an expert on it. Certainly knowing someone with it wouldn't someone one. My blog was set up to educate, give support, and to open peoples' minds. Not to judge!
I am lucky to have many who love me (for me, no matter how my illness is progressing). And thanks so much for the good wishes-my hubby is my everything, my rock. I'm so incredibly lucky to have him, along with my amazing family and friends. I refuse to surround myself with negativity (though I will, of course have some bad days). I've had so much positive feedback from this blog (even though I started it for myself), I couldn't give it up. And I appreciate EVERY single person who reads it and comments on it.
So thank you so, so, much Jenn. It was great to see you last week! I wish everyone got together more! :)