Catching up-it's been too long.

This is going to be a long post. When I started this blog, I was hoping for some closure, and to be able to share my experiences with everyone. I didn't count on getting so physically ill; I decided being physically ill isn't what this blog is about so I haven't written anything in a while. But I realized yesterday, that the mind and body are so closely connected, it seems a shame not to write just because I have "other stuff" going on. So here's the update as to now:

I still have an extreme amount of Edema. I have three doctors who all feel different things are causing it (imagine how much fun that is!). I saw my Internist (a doctor that takes care of everything inside you, basically) last Wednesday and he was totally useless. He's blaming my edema on my medication-which is impossible. I came off my Lithium and Valproic Acid months ago (against the better judgment of my psychiatrist, but he agreed to try), and sure enough it didn't change anything. My Internist is telling me to be patient and that this will go away on it's own in a few months; it's already been going on since September. I don't know who to trust and what to think anymore. I'm going to ask my family doctor for a specialist in a bigger hospital (in Toronto for example). I'm hoping they'll be able to find something. It's so painful to walk that I can't even walk across the mall and back. My skin has been stretched so much that it hurts to touch it. Not fun.

Now that's the update for the physical stuff. After I came off the Lithium and Valproic Acid (which was HELL) I was put onto heavy duty water pills, which means I can't go back onto them. I've been put on Abilify, a brand new drug. So far, I'm not impressed, but I've only been on it for about a total of 3 weeks. Right now I'm in a total mixed state. For those of you who don't know....I have all the "bad" things of being manic-unbelievable amounts of energy, nervousness, anxiety, unable to sleep or listen (similar to ADD), spending money....basically everything I do is impulsive and I don't care what the consequences are. BUT, I don't have any of the "good" symptoms-no euphoria, happiness.....I've never felt like this. Normally when I'm manic, the whole world looks brighter, everything looks sweeter; everyone is nicer. Right now, everything is dark and miserable, but I have all this extra energy and anxiety. I cry at everything and ANYTHING. And all the time. Things set me off, and I don't even know what they are. So my psychiatrist doubled my Abilify yesterday and decreased my Wellbutrin (which can cause mania) by half. Hopefully that will help, but right now I feel like jumping out of my skin. It's awful. I don't even care about the physical problems now; I need to get back on track mentally or I'm not going to make it through this. I see my psychiatrist on Monday, and if this isn't working I'll go back onto Lithium (thank god!).

Life has been very stressful recently. We had a close family friend pass away, and his funeral was one of the most beautiful but difficult things I've ever experienced (and I've been to too many funerals). That sent me for a spin. And then we've been under a lot of stress financially. Chris is completely underpaid at his job; and is super stressed, so he's looking for another job, which makes ME stressed. My disability doesn't bring in enough money to live on; not even close. That's the horrible thing about being Bipolar-any sort of stress (doesn't even have to be your own) rubs off on you......and completely affects your moods. Basically things are very difficult right now. I wish I could be more positive, but when I created this blog, I promised myself I'd be honest; and this is how I feel right now. I feel alone and empty, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me.

I'm tired of fighting.

I can't even think about going back to work for months; I have to get stable onto my meds, and then go through 20 weeks of intense CBT. Which I don't mind (I'm not fit to work anyways).....but I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to. Life is just grey right now.....like clouds but without any silver linings. The only things keeping me going are Chris, my friends and family-they are my life savers, literally. I couldn't ask for a better husband-he comes home from work stressed, yet always comes home with a smile and is always ready to take care of me.

The next step may be going into the hospital, so if I disappear for a while, that's where I've gone. I've been listening to a lot of music recently to try and clear my mind and constant racing thoughts. One in particular that speaks to me is the new(ish) Hugh Dillon song (who I happen to love, haha). Here are the lyrics:

My mistakes

"If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away

Now if I admit defeat

Tell me what then will that mean

Will I cease to be or will I be redeemed

Or will it be the end of me

And you ought to know by now

To get out from under that cloud

That took all my power

And it's the only thing that counts

Well I smile as I stand here today

With all the mistakes I've made

Now in my darkest night

They're the brightest stars in the sky

If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away

Fade away

And you ought to know by now

To get out from under that cloud

That took all my power

And it's the only thing that counts

Well I smile as I stand here today

With all the mistakes I've made

Now in my darkest night

They're the brightest stars in the sky

If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away"

I find I can relate a lot to this song, even though he's singing about being addicted to drugs. It usually gives me the strength to get through the day. I just want to be "normal".......live a "normal" life.....holding down a job, being able to do what I want when I want. It's just all so frustrating. I could take being mentally ill; I know how to handle that. But now I'm mentally and physically sick, and it's too much. I feel so out of control.

Sorry to end on such a negative note, but that's all I can write today.

I hope everyone is doing well.