Sane is Overrated

Four Questions

2010-08-07T14:21:00.001-04:00

My friend asked me today to answer some questions for her for a school project and although the questions aren't completely about my illness, I thought it would be an interesting read nevertheless. Enjoy!

1. What do you need protection from:

-Myself, my feelings, my mind. I am my own worst enemy in every sense of the word.

-People-their cruelty, their judgments, and (often nasty) opinions on things they don't understand or don't want to understand. Even when stable, it's very easy to upset me, and people often don't realize (or don't care).

-Doctors-trying to push their own agendas and (especially) medication. For one good doctor out there (especially in psychiatrics) there's 10 bad ones.

2. Things I'm afraid of:

-I'm petrified of death. Not of my own, but of those I love. I think about it constantly. I know it's part of my disorder (to obsess) but it scares the hell out of me. Because I've been so close to death myself, and so has my Mom (we've both tried to commit suicide multiple times)...I know how close and easy death is. I've also lost a lot of people in my life, and each time it gets harder. I lost my Grandad when I was 9, and it was incredibly difficult. I had a chance to hug him on the day he died, but he'd had a stroke and I just couldn't. He looked like a shell of himself. I will never forgive myself for not being able to touch him. I tend to hold on too much to those I love, and I know eventually when they are gone, it will absolutely crush me. I have NO idea how I will be able to deal with it, and it scares the shit out of me.

-Driving Chris away. When we got engaged I told him all the things to expect with my disorder-being off work, snapping at him, hospital visits, med changes, etc.....but you can tell someone something all day long, it won't matter; they have to experience it. I'm petrified he will leave me because I'm too much to handle. I know he loves me, and I know he never wants to leave, but I can't help thinking that eventually it will get to a point where he can't take anymore, and that would crush me. He's such an amazing guy, he could have his pick of almost anyone, and the fact that he chose me (even with all my "problems") is amazing....but we're in this for life, and I often worry he can't handle being in this horrible roller coaster for life.

3. What do you need to protect:

-My marriage. It's the most precious thing to me. We work hard on it (not that it's incredibly difficult or anything, but it takes time and effort). It's everything to me, and I'd be lost without Chris.

-Those I love-my parents, my brother, my extended family. Family means the world to me. I spend as much time with them as possible, and could not live without them (this ties back to 'things I'm afraid of"). I work on my relationships with them, even though it's not always easy....because I believe family (and best friends) are always worth it.

-My health. I have to be my own health advocate. I have to research, ask others, visit the library....everything. It's up to me to know the most amount of information I can on every drug and treatment. I can't rely on doctors...they are often too busy or have their own agenda. I need to know what's best for ME.

-My sense of self/self worth/confidence-All these things are lost when I'm ill. I feel useless. When I start to feel better I need to start building up my confidence again. When you on are medications that change your thought patterns (and ultimately, you) it takes a lot of work to realize who you really are and what you really want out of life. Especially since these "miracle drugs" make you gain massive amounts of weight-which always brings down your self confidence. Feeling good and sexy is a VERY difficult thing for me. Believing that I'm a good human being and that it's WORTH it for me to be living and that I'm contributing to society is a VERY difficult thing to come to terms with when you are on life-long medication.

4. What do you idolize:

-Firstly (and obviously), Chris and my parents. I look up to Chris in ways I never thought I'd be able to in a husband. He teaches me something new every day. And my parents are truly the best. They raised me to be an amazing woman, and I had an fabulous childhood. Even though I went through a very difficult time in my teens, they were there every single step of the way. I honestly would not be here without them. Their support and love means everything to me.

-Not really idolizing, but I adore my alone time. I find it very difficult to recharge, especially when I'm ill, so my alone time means A LOT to me. And luckily Chris gives me as much as I need or want.

-My health. When I'm healthy, I cherish every single second of it. Most people have no idea what it's like to have an illness where you can become ill literally in a day. To the point where you can't work, can't socialize, and end up in the hospital. So everyday that I feel good and healthy, I cherish it. It's a gift to me.

-Travelling. Something I love to do (especially to Holguin) and always gives me something to look forwards to. No matter where we're going (even if it's just a camping trip up north) I look forward to it for weeks. It breaks up the monotony of life.

-I secretly idolize people who can deal with the disorders I have without medication. I would love to be able to do that, but it just doesn't work for me (I've tried). I'm happy for people who can use yoga, mediation, sleep schedules, and whatever else works for them. I would love to be able to be off these mind-altering drugs....who knows what the long-term damage will be? And I'd LOVE to skip all these horrible side effects. But for now, these medications work for me, and I'm happy with them. I don't agree with throwing medications at everyone for whatever ailment they have; but sometimes, we have to use the technology and scientific research available to us. But I do idolize people who are able to do it by themselves.

Quick Update and article I found-8 Common Questions about Bipolar

2010-06-15T13:43:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone,

It's been quite a while since I've posted, but I really don't have anything new to say. I'm still waiting for my appointment with the kidney specialist (in July). I'm on the same medications (Abilify and Carbamazepine) which are taking the edge off, but aren't totally stabilizing. I have my good days and my bad days (both physically and mentally) so I'm just trying to get through the days right now. Overall I've been feeling better; I've been getting out almost everyday for walks or to hang out with family or friends. On my bad days though, I don't get off the couch. But I'm trying to think positively! :)

However, I've been talking about my illness a lot recently (I've met a lot of new people) and I found the article below, and thought it may be helpful to explain my illness to those who don't know/don't understand. I'm going to put my own thoughts in brackets. I'll post again after I've seen the specialist and (hopefully) know what direction we're going in.

Hope you all are well.

8 Common Bipolar Questions Answered

By Samantha Davis

With more than 2 million Americans alone suffering from bipolar symptoms, it is little wonder so many people have questions about this condition. This serious mental illness can be rather scary to confront, but arming oneself with the right answers to some of the most common questions is one of the first places to start to help deal with it.

What does bipolar mean?
Bipolar disorder is a biological/mental illness that tends to result in very wide mood swings. People who suffer from the disorder are known to go through manic highs and depressed lows. The symptoms can be very troubling for the patient and loved ones, as well.

What happens during manic swing?
When a manic episode is under way, a person is extremely up. This condition can lead to the mind racing, the mood elevating greatly and risk-taking that is beyond the norm. While this might sound like a "fun," person, the reality is many people in the throes of manic swings go without sleep, overestimate their abilities and can even hurt themselves or others inadvertently through their actions.
(Many people think of manic as being "happy" but that is FAR from the truth. When I'm manic I'm unable to sleep, my mind races constantly, I spend money non-stop, and I hurt myself and everyone around me. Every major bad decision I've made in my life, I've made while I'm manic. I feel totally and completely out of control.)

What characterizes a depressed swing?
During this phase of the disorder, a person's mood plummets. The signs and symptoms of clinical depression are frequent, such as isolation, loss of appetite, sleeping too much and even thoughts of suicide.
(I also become extremely paranoid and clingy-thinking no one likes me, and that everyone is moving on with their lives and leaving me behind. A very hard thing for my family-Chris especially-to deal with. When I'm very depressed I rarely get out of bed, nothing seems worthwhile, and I just want to die. It's a horrible feeling.)

Can anyone get bipolar disorder?
Yes, this mental illness does not seem to pay heed to boundaries such as class, race, ethnic group or even sex. It is an equal opportunity condition.
(Though in my family it runs only on the female side. I should also mention it's impossible to "get" Bipolar-it's NOT contagious. Believe or not I've been asked that.)

What age does this condition arise?
The main symptoms of the disorder tend to show up in the teens to early 20s, but that doesn't mean they won't strike earlier or later. The signs and symptoms, if present, should be cause for concern at any age.
(My Mom was diagnosed in her 30's-but that was because the information about Bipolar was so limited. I was diagnosed at 17, which is a normal age to be diagnosed.)

What causes the disorder?
Those who are bipolar tend to have an imbalance of neurotransmitters in their brains. There is no known cause for the imbalance, but the reality is when these chemicals are out of synch, this disorder can appear, making it a biological illness with psychological symptoms.
(Tons of research is being done on Bipolars and Bipolar Illness, and I hope my generation finds out the true cause, because when the true cause is figured out, the likelihood of finding a cure or better medications is that much higher.)

Are their risk factors?
Yes. There does seem to be a strong family tie that goes along with this condition. People with parents or siblings who have bipolar syndrome are more likely to develop it. This does not, however, mean that everyone with a family tie will present with bipolar symptoms. It just means the risk is higher. (Also, Bipolar tends to go along with other mental illness-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder etc. All the mental disorders seem to stem from the same part of the brain, so having multiple conditions is very common.)

Can the condition be treated?
Yes. There are medications that can help bring the chemical level in the brain back into balance. The condition cannot be cured, however. To effectively manage it and enjoy a normal life, those with the condition generally require lifelong medical care. Living with bipolar symptoms can be a rather scary roller coaster ride for the patient and loved ones, as well. Although this is a chronic condition without cure, there are viable treatments that can help keep the symptoms in check. When this is achieved, it is more than possible for a person suffering from this condition to lead a normal life.
(A "normal" life for a Bipolar almost always means multiple medications, relapses, long periods of time off work, and hospitalizations-often many times).

For more information on bipolar, try visiting http://www.bipolardetails.com - a website that specializes in providing bipolar related tips and resources to include information on bipolar.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Samantha_Davis

Catching up-it's been too long.

2010-04-08T10:35:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a long post. When I started this blog, I was hoping for some closure, and to be able to share my experiences with everyone. I didn't count on getting so physically ill; I decided being physically ill isn't what this blog is about so I haven't written anything in a while. But I realized yesterday, that the mind and body are so closely connected, it seems a shame not to write just because I have "other stuff" going on. So here's the update as to now:

I still have an extreme amount of Edema. I have three doctors who all feel different things are causing it (imagine how much fun that is!). I saw my Internist (a doctor that takes care of everything inside you, basically) last Wednesday and he was totally useless. He's blaming my edema on my medication-which is impossible. I came off my Lithium and Valproic Acid months ago (against the better judgment of my psychiatrist, but he agreed to try), and sure enough it didn't change anything. My Internist is telling me to be patient and that this will go away on it's own in a few months; it's already been going on since September. I don't know who to trust and what to think anymore. I'm going to ask my family doctor for a specialist in a bigger hospital (in Toronto for example). I'm hoping they'll be able to find something. It's so painful to walk that I can't even walk across the mall and back. My skin has been stretched so much that it hurts to touch it. Not fun.

Now that's the update for the physical stuff. After I came off the Lithium and Valproic Acid (which was HELL) I was put onto heavy duty water pills, which means I can't go back onto them. I've been put on Abilify, a brand new drug. So far, I'm not impressed, but I've only been on it for about a total of 3 weeks. Right now I'm in a total mixed state. For those of you who don't know....I have all the "bad" things of being manic-unbelievable amounts of energy, nervousness, anxiety, unable to sleep or listen (similar to ADD), spending money....basically everything I do is impulsive and I don't care what the consequences are. BUT, I don't have any of the "good" symptoms-no euphoria, happiness.....I've never felt like this. Normally when I'm manic, the whole world looks brighter, everything looks sweeter; everyone is nicer. Right now, everything is dark and miserable, but I have all this extra energy and anxiety. I cry at everything and ANYTHING. And all the time. Things set me off, and I don't even know what they are. So my psychiatrist doubled my Abilify yesterday and decreased my Wellbutrin (which can cause mania) by half. Hopefully that will help, but right now I feel like jumping out of my skin. It's awful. I don't even care about the physical problems now; I need to get back on track mentally or I'm not going to make it through this. I see my psychiatrist on Monday, and if this isn't working I'll go back onto Lithium (thank god!).

Life has been very stressful recently. We had a close family friend pass away, and his funeral was one of the most beautiful but difficult things I've ever experienced (and I've been to too many funerals). That sent me for a spin. And then we've been under a lot of stress financially. Chris is completely underpaid at his job; and is super stressed, so he's looking for another job, which makes ME stressed. My disability doesn't bring in enough money to live on; not even close. That's the horrible thing about being Bipolar-any sort of stress (doesn't even have to be your own) rubs off on you......and completely affects your moods. Basically things are very difficult right now. I wish I could be more positive, but when I created this blog, I promised myself I'd be honest; and this is how I feel right now. I feel alone and empty, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me.

I'm tired of fighting.

I can't even think about going back to work for months; I have to get stable onto my meds, and then go through 20 weeks of intense CBT. Which I don't mind (I'm not fit to work anyways).....but I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to. Life is just grey right now.....like clouds but without any silver linings. The only things keeping me going are Chris, my friends and family-they are my life savers, literally. I couldn't ask for a better husband-he comes home from work stressed, yet always comes home with a smile and is always ready to take care of me.

The next step may be going into the hospital, so if I disappear for a while, that's where I've gone. I've been listening to a lot of music recently to try and clear my mind and constant racing thoughts. One in particular that speaks to me is the new(ish) Hugh Dillon song (who I happen to love, haha). Here are the lyrics:

My mistakes

"If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away

Now if I admit defeat

Tell me what then will that mean

Will I cease to be or will I be redeemed

Or will it be the end of me

And you ought to know by now

To get out from under that cloud

That took all my power

And it's the only thing that counts

Well I smile as I stand here today

With all the mistakes I've made

Now in my darkest night

They're the brightest stars in the sky

If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away

Fade away

And you ought to know by now

To get out from under that cloud

That took all my power

And it's the only thing that counts

Well I smile as I stand here today

With all the mistakes I've made

Now in my darkest night

They're the brightest stars in the sky

If you count all my mistakes

I would have to walk away

I just could not take another yesterday

I've not the strength to fade away"

I find I can relate a lot to this song, even though he's singing about being addicted to drugs. It usually gives me the strength to get through the day. I just want to be "normal".......live a "normal" life.....holding down a job, being able to do what I want when I want. It's just all so frustrating. I could take being mentally ill; I know how to handle that. But now I'm mentally and physically sick, and it's too much. I feel so out of control.

Sorry to end on such a negative note, but that's all I can write today.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Some of my favourite quotes on mental illness....enjoy them!

2010-03-19T01:53:00.000-04:00

I look at other people and I think, “He lives without meds. She does. What is wrong with me? Am I so biochemically screwed up, so neurotic, so narcissistically self-absorbed that every hour is an obstacle course for me?” I don’t know, but this can’t continue. I feel like I am dying. A slow torturous death. And the worst thing is that I’m taking other people along for the ride. But I swear, I don’t know how to do it differently. –ditto

I should come with a consumer warning, like the labels that say “Handle with care” or “May be hazardous to your health.” I am unfit for human consumption. I struggle to articulate how awful and isolating this feels, but I can’t find the words. –ditto

Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn’t stop and suffer with me. –ditto

We all fear at some point that “our” world and “the” world are hopelessly estranged. Psychosis is the fulfillment of that fear. –Michael Greenberg, Hurry Down Sunshine

Mad, adj.: affected with a high degree of intellectual independence, not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from the study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane … –Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness. –Heather Armstrong, on dooce.com

Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence—whether much that is glorious—whether all that is profound—does not spring from disease of thought, from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. –Edgar Allen Poe, “Eleanora”

I remembered the afternoon of my MRI, the way I’d seen my brain that day for what it is—an organ. A lump of tissue and cells and nerves, no less than heart or lungs or kidney, generating perception as much as the heart pumps blood or the lungs extract oxygen. How we know and feel and understand the world is made possible merely by the pulse of elctrochemical activity. If a heart could fail in its pumping, a lung in its breathing, then why not a brain in its thinking, rendering the world forever askew, like a television with bad reception? And couldn’t a brain fail as arbitrarily as any of these other parts, without regard to how fortunate your life might have been, without regard to the blessing and cosseting that, everyone was so eager to remind you, disentitled you from unhappiness? –ditto

Pain of mind is worse than pain of body. –Syrus

I bend but do not break. –Jean de la Fontaine, “The Oak and the Reed,” in Fables

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. – (?)

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. –Carl Jung

I will find a way out or make one. –Robert Peary

I’m a happy-go-lucky manic-depressive. It does get very deep and dark for me, and it gets scary at times when I feel I can’t pull out of it. But I don’t consider myself negative-negative. I’m positive-negative. –Tim Burton

There’s someone in my head but it’s not me. –Pink Floyd, “Brain Damage”

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. –Friedrich Nietzsche, The Twilight of the Idols

Just because you’re paranoid

don’t mean they’re not after you.

–Nirvana, “Territorial Pissings”

Psychiatry’s a young science. Yesterday’s madman may be tomorrow’s genius. Beethoven and Van Gogh were both a bit loopy. In my view, most madmen are remarkable. They’re explorers, travelers beyond the rim of consciousness. Not surprising if they pick up a few bugs and get sick. That’s all it is, madness. Mad just means sick. If you get fluid on the lungs it’s pleurisy. If it’s fluid on the brain, it’s insanity. –Clare Boylan, Beloved Stranger

All of them [psychopharmaceuticals] affect the way in which the brain processes language. It’s not something a person uninterested in words might notice, except for maybe a bit of tip-of-the-tongue syndrome, but to me it’s obvious that my relation to language has been subtly affected. Before the long parade of drugs, words were like water—all I had to do was dip my mind and it would come up brimming with new excitements. I always thought of this ability as a “gift,” a part of my being. Now the river of words flows around me as it always has, but I write as a translator trespassing outside the boundaries of my original language, fluent but no longer a native speaker. It’s hard to explain. It feels like a new part of my brain has learned language, and the old part has atrophied. Maybe this sensation is just a physical metaphor for what the antidepressants do. I don’t know, but I’ve come to see that this death of imaginary self (along with its language) is not necessarily a hindrance to my work, though it took me years to stop trying to call my “gift” back from a grave. Its loss functions exactly as form does in poetry: if the door’s locked, try a window. –ditto

"I have Bipolar; but Bipolar doesn't have me." -Suzy Johnston

2010-03-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

Came across this while doing some research today. It's a booklet about the BBC documentary "The Secret Life of the Manic-Depressive" written/produced by Steven Fry. *If you haven't seen it, please look it up, it is well worth your time and effort*
I watched the documentary a while ago, but I love how this booklet describes Bipolar-both the manic and depressive sides. It also perfectly captures the struggles that families and spouses have with Bipolars. It's long; but WELL worth the time reading it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/tv_and_radio/secret_life/secret_life_manic_depression.pdf

Hey everyone

2010-03-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

Hi all. This will be a quick post because unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot to say. I have lost quite a bit of the water weight (edema) that I was having trouble with, but being on the water pills have triggered more side effects, and my specialists are still trying to determine what exactly is wrong. A VERY frustrating process. I've still off the Lithium, which is awful, but I'm trying to take it day by day. I will continue with this blog once I'm in better health, and am back onto the Lithium, so that I am able to blog about being Bipolar (because, honestly, that's what I set this blog up to be about, not to be about my edema and other health problems!). But...that said, I wanted to share this link to another great blog:

http://makinitwork.wordpress.com/about/

I stumbled across this blog by accident, and I found it incredibly interesting and informative. Since it is written by the wife of a Bipolar, you are able to see the "other side" and how difficult it is to deal with a Bipolar on a daily basis. Also, check out the "Triggers" section, which I found very informative (and very correct!).

Hope you all will check it out and hopefully learn something (and give this wonderful woman some support!). We all need the support-both Bipolars/mentally ill, and their spouses, family and friends.

Hope you all are well.

Quick Update

2010-02-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

Hey...

Just wanted to say thanks for all the outpouring of support I've been getting (especially those on Facebook! :) ...you guys are all so wonderful. It's so nice to know that there are people out there experiencing the same things as me, and who have taken the same path. The water pills have been making me extremely sick (plus I'm peeing non-stop, haha) but I'm losing water weight quite quickly-my rings are already too big and the bruising is getting better. I have a bunch of tests coming up, so hopefully we will find out what caused the edema so I can get back to being healthy (and getting back onto the right meds). I feel horrible off my lithium, and really want to go back on it.

The one positive thing through this whole experience (and relapses are always quite the experience) is that it makes you appreciate those around you who love you and support you. I've had support and kind words from people all over the world, and for that I'm truly grateful-those are the words that lift me up when I'm really down. It has also brought my husband and I together even more (we went through a relapse before, but not for this amount of time). The stress is not easy on our marriage, but we have a perfect measure of give-and-take, and it has made both of us realize how much we truly love each other. I truly have the best hubby in the world. :D

We can't wait until I am healthy again so we can start a family!!! :)

So, a more positive post this time...and hopefully the next post will be even more positive with good news (or at least some news!).

Take care!

Taking a bit of a break, but I promise to be back asap!

2010-02-06T01:54:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone,

I apologize for not keeping up on here...my days have been full of doctors appointments, tests and blood work. I finally saw an internist (specialist) this week, and it seems like (hopefully) he has an idea of what's been going on with me. I'm on heavy duty water pills (which suck because I have to stay off my lithium because of them), but we need to get the water weight off because my feet and legs are bruising...and I'm starting to have trouble walking. The doc thinks it's either one of two things:
a) something is wrong with my kidneys and/or liver (most likely due to the lithium)
b) a combination of the medications I was on (mostly Seroquel and the Lithium)

So.....I definitely still feel awful, but I hope we are at least on the path of getting a diagnosis, and in the meantime hopefully I will get rid of all this water weight! I'm hoping to shrink before everyone's eyes! :)

Anyways, that's why I haven't been on here much. I have some ideas for new posts, and as soon as I can sit up without my feet elevated for a while (we should have got a laptop!) I'll type them up. Unfortunately medications used for mental illnesses are strong and body-altering, and can have serious consequences. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

Ps-I've invited some people from some of my Facebook Bipolar groups, so if it's your first time reading, welcome, and please feel free to join in with your opinions and comments! :) Maybe you have experienced serious complications from your medications? We all need to stick together and educate!!

Take care!

"If you are a true Bipolar you know it is a beautiful curse and tragic blessing, but still wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy."

2010-01-29T08:08:00.002-05:00

Hey guys....I haven't forgotten you or the blog. I've been really sick lately, the edema has been getting worse and worse so I can hardly walk, so I've been seeing a bunch of doctors. I was also taking off the lithium (which they thought might be the problem....turns out it wasn't)...so it's likely something physical.

I'll update when I have some more time....hope you all are well!

Why is everyone so misinformed?

2010-01-20T15:30:00.001-05:00

So I've watched Dr. Oz off and on for a while, because I find the medical information interesting, even though as a thoracic surgeon I don't believe he's qualified to provide the information he's throwing out there. So I sometimes watch. Today will be the last day. Today he did a special on diet pills. Innocent enough. Until, he told a woman that because of taking diet pills she "became" Bipolar. Seriously? I understand that the drugs she was ingesting had speed in them...but people don't just "get" Bipolar. She ended up in a drug rehab because of the drugs in her brain. That has nothing to do with a mental illness. It's not like stubbing your toe. Having a mental illness is a long, complicated list of genetics and circumstances. It absolutely drives me nuts that the people who are supposed to "know better" and who are educating others are not telling the truth. One of the reasons why there are SO many stigmas out there about mental illness.

Well, I just had to get my mini-rant out there. So long Dr.Douchebag Oz.

Ps-I'll put up another post asap, I've been having horrible side effects from the Welbutrin, so I haven't been writing. I see my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what happens after that.

Take care.

I haven't forgotten you all!

2010-01-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

I haven't forgotten you all. I've been crazy busy with doctor appointment; trying to figure out my edema (which we now think is related to my lithium-oh yay). I've been having a really hard time on the Wellbutrin. I'm not able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time-MAX! And when I do sleep, I have horrible, vivid dreams-as if that wasn't bad enough, I scream and yell in my sleep, and thrash and kick. Poor Chris has not had a good night's sleep in a week, never mind the bruises. Has anyone else experienced this? I've decided I'm going to go one more week, and then call my doc if nothing has changed. So far I'm definitely not impressed with this drug. I feel like it's winding up my mind, but doesn't help with the OCD or anxiety AT ALL (which my doc did warn me about). I just have a feeling that this isn't going to be the drug that will work for me.

Just wanted to get a quick post out there. I'm trying Aqua Fit Bootcamp tonight (since I'm not able to work out because of the edema-which is driving me INSANE)....and I'm excited about it. We'll see how it goes!

Hope everyone is well!

An Update

2010-01-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

Hey all.

I've been having a much better week this week. I had a great dinner with my best friend on Tuesday night and a really nice lunch with my girlfriends from school today. I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and he prescribed me Wellbutrin, so I finally feel like I have some hope of coming up out of this depression. I've only been on it a couple days, and I'm feeling woozy and pretty "out of it". I have that typical "foggy" feeling from starting a new medication-and I'm pretty dizzy (no driving for me!), but I haven't had any real bad side effects yet. It will take a few weeks for the Wellbutrin to kick in, so we'll see how that goes. I also saw my family doctor today, and she doubled my water pills, hoping that will rid me of my edma. If not, she (and my psychiatrist) are pretty sure I'll have to either come down or off of my lithium; something that scares the crap out of me. I've been on lithium since the VERY beginning of my diagnosis, and to be without would terrify me. Plus, there is a reason it's the #1 drug used on Bipolars. But....we shall see. I'm trying to think positive.

I had a couple different topics planned out for this post, but I've received some more hate mail, and I have a couple more things to say. This will be the last post addressing more hate mail, because it is a waste of my time. But, I feel it's important for everyone to “get" where I'm coming from. I've made this blog public because I want to help to erase the stigma of mental illness. I don't pretend to live my life perfectly; I certainly never claimed to be perfect. This blog is a reflection of my daily life. Some days will be good; some will be bad-that’s the nature of the illness. However, I have the chance to write how I feel and put it "out there" and maybe change someone's perception, or at least help them to understand what mental illness truly is about. So, I've kept this blog public-and I'm glad I did, because I've had some great comments from people I don't even know in different countries with totally different perspectives. Unfortunately, I have a very pathetic and misguided (and also mentally ill) person from my past (who is scarily obsessed with my husband) who has decided that this blog is the way for her to get "back" at me. She thinks she’s found some “smart” way to “get at me”, but really Chris and I just have a good laugh at her posts and delete them. I have disabled the "anonymous" option because she was the only one using it anyways, and will no longer post her posts (they were no longer about the blog, only me and my husband anyways). It's a sad day that people feel they must attack people over the internet, (because they are too afraid to say it in person of course) but I won't let my blog suffer for it. Since I know she's reading (funny how she hates my blog yet continues to read it)-

* I will no longer read your posts or emails. I honestly hope you can get help for your illness some day because at this rate it's going to ruin your life. Good luck with everything. *

I realize that by keeping this blog public I open myself to criticism. Criticism of my illnesses, my doctors, my medications, etc.-I'm ok with that. But this is not a forum to personally attack me. This is an area to talk honestly about something many people aren't able to speak about in public or at home. Mental Illness Awareness is coming, and it's not stopping for the ignorance. It's taken us waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many years to have our voice heard. It's more than damn time. So send your hate mail if you want; it won't be read. I'm focusing on the positive, not just for me, but for this blog, and for the awareness. If we don't do it, no one will. The stronger ones have to fight for the weaker-there are so many ill who aren't able to fight for their rights-but we CAN. So LET'S DO IT.
Thanks again for reading. I so appreciate it.

Ps-Is anyone else on Wellbutrin or have you tried it?

My 2010 Goal

2010-01-05T01:48:00.001-05:00

One more quick post before bed. I found this quote in one of my Anxiety books, and I've decided it's going to be my 2010 mantra; I hope you all will join me in it.

"Mental Illness is not an excuse or a sign of weakness."

I don't want to "blame" my problems on my illness, nor do I want to be a victim to it. That's my goal for 2010!

Please check out the post below my hubby did; he worked really hard on it. Comments would be great! :)

My Hubby's Blog

2010-01-05T00:08:00.002-05:00

Hey guys. Quick update-

I see my doctor tommorrow, and will hopefully come home with a medication change or head to the hospital. I can't handle this depression any longer; I spent all day in bed today. Thankfully, my hubby made a great dinner and an awesome friend came by tonight, so that kept my spirits up, but I'm thinking about suicide often, and that scares me. I know I need to stay on top of my illness, and I know that my doctor wanted to try keeping me off anti-depressants, but the past month has proven that I can't do it. I will let you all know the outcome, wish me luck.

My hubby finished his blog yesterday, so I'm typing it up for him. He asked me to remind you all that essays (or writing) is not his strong suit, but he wanted to provide his view.

"So, the first thing I should do is introduce myself as Kim's husband, Chris. Kim has been telling me that many of you are asking how you can help a loved one suffering from Bipolar Disorder (or any mental illness really). Well, the first thing you should do to help is learn as much as you can about the disorder and how your loved one is affected. Early in our relationship, we found a book that I found very helpful, "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston. As someone living with a Bipolar person, my first role as a husband is to be the first line of defense. That means I had to find out Kim's triggers and know the early signs of a relapse. Any time I see the early signs in Kim I let her know what I see and we try to get her out of the situation that is stressing her out.

Having Bipolar disorder means Kim can't handle as much stress as many other people so whenever there is a lot of stress in her life she is most likely to have a relapse. Now, I know there is always going to be stress in life-my job is to keep a limit to it. Some ways I can help Kim in those stressful times is to just do as many little things as I can-like making plans for us to go out, doing extra things around the house and making sure I do not argue with her. There will be days when your loved one will get mad at you or yell at you and you may not understand why (or think they are totally overreacting); in that case, just be patient. Do not argue-just apologize or let them "get it out". They are just having a bad day. When they are ready you will be able to talk to them about what happened. Usually for Kim she was usually yelled at or got into an argument at work where she could not fully release her emotions. So she holds back and releases it on the first person (usually me).

Lastly, the most important thing I find is KEEPING AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION about the illness, the symptoms and the triggers. Every day when I come home I ask Kim, "How was your day?" or "How are you doing?" and make sure they get into their mental wellness of that day. Every case is different, and every Bipolar will have different triggers, different warning signs, and different ways to treat and deal with it. So, I hope you find this helpful with your relationships, and if any of you have questions, please leave them here and Kim will relay them to me. "

Isn't my hubby wonderful???! What do you all think about his advice?

Ignorance

2010-01-03T12:11:00.000-05:00

Hey all,

I'm sure some of you have noticed the ignorant posts from "Anonymous" (what a surprise). I have responded a few times, but it's become a personal vendetta against me (or my blog, I'm not sure). Either way, I refuse to have my blog taken over by someone who has no desire to learn about mental illness. Not only that, I have no desire to write to someone and waste my time typing to someone who clearly just wants to sit around on their computer and have "internet fights". We're not in high school folks. It's now 2010, and a brand new year-let’s hope people can start to understand mental illness (or at least make an effort to). Let's hope we can break down some of these walls of ignorance.

I want to be able to get help, when I need it (not waiting months for a psychiatrist or for a bed in a hospital) and to be able to speak about my illnesses without shame. That's my wish for 2010.

What's yours?

Happy 2010!!

2010-01-01T19:07:00.000-05:00

Happy New Years to all!!! I am (trying) to recover from last night-my hubby and I spent an awesome fancy dinner at our favourite restaurant with our favourite couple, and then headed over to a pub to ring in the new year. Hope you all had a great night, and spent it with those you love. We spent the day today with the hubby's side of the family (a tradition)....feeling lots of love and hope for the new year.

I'm going to try and wipe the slate clean this year, and start anew. I wish you all health, love and happiness! More posts to come-including my hubby`s-he`s been working on his for a couple weeks now.

Blondie.

Stopping medication

2009-12-31T00:52:00.001-05:00

Many mentally ill people stop their medication because they believe they are "well" because they feel better. What they don't realize, is that the reason they feel better is because the medication is working. Coming off the medication is the absolute worst thing someone could do-it causes the person to crash and for the medication to immediately stop working. Bipolar cannot be cured, it can only be controlled. Medications to two things-stopping an acute episode; and preventing a further episode. A good example is insulin. Insulin is used to control certain types of diabetes, but does not cure the the underlying disease, it just helps to control the symptoms so the diabetic patient can live a more normal life. If the insulin is stopped, symptoms of the disease reappear. Although the insulin helps to control many of the the symptoms, the diabetes is still present. Other examples are high blood pressure and arthritis.

Please, please, please speak to your docor before stopping ANY medication. Even if you feel horrible, stopping your medication can make things 100 times worse.

On that note, this will probably be my last post in 2009. Let's hope that 2010 brings lots of health, hope, and happiness to all of us! Hope you all have a wonderful New Years!

Let's keep in mind in the next year:

"My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle." - PATTY DUKE (Bipolar)

All about Valproic Acid

2009-12-31T00:44:00.001-05:00

I've had a few people ask me about Valproic Acid (it's a less commonly known treatment for Bipolar) so here it is. The information in quotations is from the "Lithium Information Centre from the Dean Foundation for Health, Research and Education."

Info: Valproic is a medication used to treat Bipolar patients who have not responded to more conventional treatments such as Lithium. The brand name is Depakene in Canada and is available in 125 mg, 250 mg, and 500 mg. I currently take 2000 mg (500 mg in the morning, 750 mg at night). My daily amount is based on the type of Bipolar I have, and my body composition (weight, height, etc).

Mania (a very good description I thought) was described as:

"A condition during which one's mood changes from normal to an extremely overactive state, is often marked by feelings of elation, expansiveness or euphoria-a state often described as being "on top of the world". During a manic episode a person may sleep very little, talk very rapidly, and continually take little time of eat, show marked irritability and impatience, and have racing thoughts. Often the manic state progresses to the point where judgment is impaired and contact with reality is lost. It may become difficult to understand what a person is saying. Sometimes poorly thought-out decisions are acted on impulsively, with devastating financial, social, occupational, or legal consequences for self, family, and others. Hospitalization may be necessary for effective treatment.

Depression was described as:

"A condition during which one's mood changes from normal to that of being very low, blue, sad, or unhappy. A person may experience changes in sleep pattern, altered appetite, loss of sexual interest, lack of energy, increased worrying, decreased interest in usual activities, loss of ability to experience pleasure, and difficultly with concentration or memory (though I find that to be true of mania too). Accomplishing normal daily activities, such as going to work, may become difficult or impossible. Depressed people often consider or attempt suicide. Hospitalization is often necessary. At times, episodes are characterized by both manic and depressive symptoms and are referred to ads "mixed states".

Some side effects:

For many patients, the treatment plan is often more difficult to deal with than the disorder or diagnosis. Having to accept a lifelong chronic medical illness is difficult. Some people feel they should people to use their "willpower" or "be like everybody else". I know I've had those feelings; every mentally ill person I know has experienced those feelings at some time or another. The hardest issue is reaching out to be treated and knowing many people will ostracize you. Unlike diabetes (or other physical illnesses), being treated for a mental illness often causes problems with family members, friends and jobs. The mentally ill are called "crazy" (or worse) simply for seeking out help; which keeps many continuing to suffer instead of seeking out help.

Some patients (especially those who tend to me more manic, like myself) miss some of the "good" aspects of being manic-the energy, the euphoria, and they often forget about the "bad" feelings. Many patients also have trouble accepting that they will have to take medication for the rest of their lives (something no one wants to do). And worst than that, (for me anyways), is the side effects. I've come so close many times to stopping my pills because of the side effects. No one can truly understand them unless you've been on them. They are mind altering drugs that can (often) make you feel more crazy than you already are. Plus, the fact that most drugs have only recently been approved for use is rather scary. But the alternative is to live drug-free, where I'd either end up in a mental institution or dead. So I take the drugs.

The blood tests. For Lithium and Valproic Acid you need to have regular blood tests (for me it's about every 3 weeks). This doesn't bother me; I went to nursing school and blood is not a problem. It's a hassle time wise, but that's about it. However, some patients (especially those terrified of blood) hate it, and it becomes a large problem. It is very important that the levels of the medications are measured in the blood so that they aren't too low (and therefore not helping) or too high (and toxic).

Here's a list of common side effects when beginning Valproic treatment:

-nausea (I had this HORRIBLY, I was so sick the doctors kept testing me for pregnancy and then all sorts of other things like a bladder infection, kidney stones, and a burst appendix....I was in the hospital every other day!)

-indigestion (I would go 12 hours of not being able to eat and then I'd be STARVING! And I had strange cravings-pickles and cheese-again why all the doctors thought I was pregnant! :P)

-cramps

-sedation

-trembling

-hair loss

Less Common or Rare

-poor appetite

-vomiting

-diarrhea (another major problem I had)

-abdominal pain (another major problem-I also managed have a ovarian cyst burst at the same time....so it's hard to tell what what causing the problems!)

-weight loss (I wish)

-constipation (sometimes, it was one way or the other)

-rash

-dizziness

-confusion

-menstrual irregularities

It took about a month or so for these side effects to clear. I don't feel any problems now; everything seems to have cleared up. I can't really tell you how I feel mentally because I've come off Seroquel and Paxil in the meantime, and that's totally thrown me, but hopefully in a few months I'll know how I'm feeling.

Anyways, I'm exhausted. Off to bed I go. I plan on doing a write up on Lithium and Anxiety/Social Phobia as well as OCD in the new year.

One more quick note: A woman should NEVER get pregnant on Valproic Acid. Though there are many options for pregnant Bipolar women, Valproic is not one of them. Many studies have proved that severe damage is done to the fetus in the first three months of pregnancy. So use protection!!!

Valproic Acid and Lithium

2009-12-29T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm working on a post on Valproic Acid and Lithium (the two main medications I'm on) based on information I've received from The Dean Foundation for Health, Research and Education.

I hope to have a new post up in the next couple days-I think you will all find it very informative and beneficial-I did! :)

I am feeling slightly better today, I've been spending time with my family and talking to those I love, which really helps.

Talk soon.

Suicide

2009-12-28T23:57:00.001-05:00

Hope everyone had a good Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). Mine was busy, but good.

Sadly today I had a huge fight with a best friend and completely crashed. My husband found me sitting in the bathroom staring at a bottle of pills...the only thing stopping me from taking them was thinking of the pain it would cause him to cart me down to the hospital (or worse). For most people fights and disagreements are part of life: for the mentally ill they are the difference between a manic day and a suicide attempt. This particular fight was very difficult because I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. My friend wanted to take a break from our friendship and "maybe" re-evaluate it. Which to me means she was not interested in continuing our friendship. That killed me. Some of the things she said (which I had never heard before) were like stabs in the heart. With everything else going on in my life (physical problems, changing meds, fighting insurance companies, etc) I just couldn't take it anymore. It the same feeling I felt when I was 17, and that scared the shit out of me. I know this is part of the disorder, and thankfully I realized that this was my brain talking crap-not the truth, but often it's so incredibly difficult to tell the difference. So instead, Chris calmed me down, I took some clonzaepam, and now I'm on here, writing my thoughts away while listening to the Beatles. But I have to wonder; Can make it? Most days I'm strong, and I want to fight. But some days, like today, I just want to give up. Thinking about living with this disorder for my entire life-having to go on and off work, having problems with pregnancy and perhaps raising kids, not to mention all the med changes and medication side effects. I'm tired of seeing doctors all the time. I'm tired of having my blood taken every two weeks. I'm tired of people asking me "how I'm doing?" but not really caring. I'm tired of being fat, no matter what I eat or how much I work out (and people making comments about it, not realizing I'm probably healthier than they are).

On these days, this is where I usually sit and listen to music to cry, but I thought I would post because here because there has to be other mentally ill people out there that feel like I do today. And I know the only way we'll get through it is to get through it together. I wish I could feel like every day the reason I want to stay alive is for me-but I can't. Often the only reason I push myself to stay alive and push to be the healthiest I can be is because of my husband, family and friends. I hope someday that changes. I hope that with the right meds, and the right job, I will feel stronger. But I can't lie to myself anymore. People think I'm so much stronger than I am. They think because I write my feelings down on a blog it makes me a "mentor" and "advocate" but really honestly sometimes I just feel like a broken-down version of everyone else. I wanted this blog to be about the bad and the good. There's been a lot of good and information-but I think everyone needs to understand (or try) how truly exhausting this disorder is-every day, every moment we're fighting it. And often it seems like we're losing.

But I can only hope that in the end, with more acceptance and knowledge we'll be able to have more days where we can live for ourselves, and not for our loved ones. Because what scares me is those who don't have any loved ones to live for. The rate of suicide is 10-20 times more in Bipolars than non-Bipolars (Wikipedia). That's scary. The best thing for me when I'm feeling like this is to relax, listen to music, and be with those I love. But there are so many options-check out CMHA website for different group sessions and therapy sessions around the areas. I also check out this website (and some of you may find this strange, but it reminds me of all the people who love me and who would be in pain if I left this world):

http://www.forsuicidesurvivors.com/survivors-of-suicide-message-board-discussion-forum.html

It's a page for family members/friends who have had a loved one who committed suicide. Often their words get right to my heart....especially since I was touched closely in my life with suicide as well. I think about how I felt....and how I couldn't do that to my family. I hope I'm not babbling along here; but I had to get my thoughts out. It feels like I've cried all the tears I could cry tonight; I feel drained. I hope all of you reading this take away how difficult this illness is-not to feel sorry for us or pity us-but to support us.

Because we can't be strong all the time. It just isn't possible. Just like the physically ill need people to open doors and help them get in and out of wheelchairs; we need help keeping our minds healthy-we need you to tell us you love us (constantly), and how much you need us in this world.

Do it everyday, even many times a day. It makes a world of difference.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

2009-12-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays and great New Year! It's been crazy around here (but a good crazy)-seeing lots of family and friends.

Keep checking, I will be putting up a blog soon; I'm working on a couple.

All the best! :)

Quick Update

2009-12-20T14:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone,

Feeling better the last couple days. I just wanted to let you know I won't be writing as much the next couple weeks or so, simply because it's Christmastime and we're totally packed up between my family and my hubby's. I love Christmas and New Year's but it takes A LOT out of me, so I spend a lot more time sleeping and taking care of myself. So hang in, I promise to be back at it in the new year. I had a LOT of responses (thank you!) to my last post, which I plan to address. I also plan to address a bunch of other issues in the new year: psychiatric hospitals (and what it is truly like to be in one); Bipolar and anger; I want to do a section on just OCD and Social Phobia and well as Anxiety; New studies and research that are being done all over the world-and that's just some of the ideas. I'm also hoping to sit down with my hubby and get his perspective of my illness (which I think would help the friends and loved ones out there that deal with a mentally ill person).

So to all of you, if I'm not able to post before Christmastime; Have a fantastic holiday, thanks so much for following, it means more than you all could know, and all the best for the new year.

Just a random note

2009-12-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Hey all. I'm not sure what to write about today, but I had to write something. I feel awful, and for some reason writing on here always calms me down. Even if no one is reading, it helps to "get it out". I saw my psychiatrist last week, and I was expecting him to put me on a new anti-depressant, since I've now come off the Paxil and I'm having severe problems being off it. But no, he wants me to wait it out for a while later (easy for him to say). I've been having the most amount of anxiety I've ever experienced. I feel like I'm jumping constantly-like I just need to get out of my skin. Normally I would go to the gym and go for walks (which help) but I just had surgery, and I'm not allowed. No surprise, I'm going batty. Plus my hubby has been working extra long hours, so he hasn't been around as much to support me (though he does try). I often wonder if this stress is too much for one relationship to take (the divorce rate of a couple where one has Bipolar is two to three times higher than a normal divorce rate). But we just keep plugging away because we love each other, and my hubby realizes none of this is my fault. When he took his wedding vows he truly meant for "better or worse", even though it seems to be mostly "worst" since we've gotten married. I really have the best husband in the world! I'm also starting to realize who is truly my life long friend and who can't handle my illness. Some people just aren't strong enough and I need to let them go. Those who love me (always my family, and my best friends) are always there when I need them, no matter what is going on in their lives. They realize the severity of my illness, and how quickly it can turn. But they also realize that when I'm well I'm the most loyal, caring friend they could possibly ask for. And I think that's why they stick around, haha.

As Christmastime comes up (my favourite holiday) I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I want to go. I feel lost; I don't know what I want to do with my career. I wish I had one of those "Magic 8 Balls" that would tell me what to do. It's also difficult for me to accept that I most likely will never be able to work full time because of my illness.....and that I most likely have to spend more time in the psychiatric ward and off work on disability. I wake up many days just wishing I was "normal"-so I could just go to work, like everyone else. It makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight when my hubby is working crazy hours and I'm working part time because I can't take the stress of a full-time job. I know there has to be a job out there for me that would work, but I just don't know how to find it.

Something I have reflected upon is even though I have this horrible lifelong illness, I've been so blessed to have the best hubby, family, and friends imaginable. I don't know how any mentally ill person gets through their day without any loved ones. I would love to find a way to help them....to reach out and tell them-even though life sucks sometimes, it really is possible to live and be happy with this disorder. I did it for a couple years, and I know when I'm stable again, I'll feel happy. But the fact that so many of Bipolars/Schizophrenics/OCD's etc are out there alone kill me. Please don't feel alone....you are always welcome here. I realize this is the 'net and it's not very personable, but please don't ever be afraid to comment (or send me a personal message).

Well, I think that's it for this note. No advice today. Just some honest thoughts. I hope our new year is much easier than this year. I hope I'm able to finally get well (between my relapse this year, having melanoma, bursting ovarian cysts and finding lesions on my liver), I don't think I could handle anything more next year. I hope that my hubby doesn't have to work so damn hard because I'm not able to work. And I hope that my family and friends continue to be as amazing and supportive as they've always been.

I hope you have something to look forward to next year, and I wish you all the best in health, hope, support and love. Thanks for reading!

Questions/Answers

2009-12-13T15:17:00.000-05:00

You asked.....I answered. Well, to the best of my ability. Again, keep in mind I am not a doctor, I am only answering these questions from my personal experience.

-Is Manic depression is different than bipolar disorder?
No, "Manic Depression" is the old (no longer used) name for "Bipolar Disorder". Bipolar Disorder was found to be a more accurate description of the disorder.

-I’m feeling better since taking my medications, which means I probably don’t need them any more, right?
Wrong, wrong, WRONG! The reason you are feeling better is because the medication is WORKING. Unfortunately this is one of the worst problems with Bipolar (and all mental illness) patients-they assume that because they feel "back to normal" they no longer need the medication. Psychiatric drugs are not like Advil; you can't just take them when you feel like it. They must be taken as prescribed, for as long as prescribed (often for the rest of your life). That's just part of the illness. Often a patient will think they are "cured", come off their medication, and crash. And then they have to go through the whole process of going back onto new medications and becoming stable-it ISN'T worth it!

-Is Bipolar "curable"?
No, it's "treatable". For now at least. Let's hope there's a cure in the future-that's why exposure is so very important.

-How is bipolar disorder diagnosed?
Bipolar is usually diagnosed during the teen years (I was 17). Usually a Bipolar patient will go through a manic episode and crash and attempt suicide (and thus end up in the hospital), where they will be diagnosed.. Usually there is a genetic history. The family doctor will refer the patient to a psychiatrist who will evaluate the patient over a length of time.

-What are the two types of Bipolar?

Bipolar I defines patients with the classic form of this disease: Recurring episodes of mania and depression.

Bipolar II defines those who never experience severe mania but instead the manic episodes are milder, and alternate with depression.

-What causes Bipolar?
The cause of Bipolar is still unknown, but science is getting closer to determining it daily. It is generally thought that the neourtransmitters serotonin, norepinephrine or dopamine have a great impact, as does genetic factors. Stress also plays a major role in relapses.

-Are Bipolars dangerous to others?
When Bipolars are manic, they can become very reckless and dangerous. That's one of the reasons why it is important for Bipolars to recognize their own "triggers" and realize when they are starting to slide in "manic mode" (as I call it). Family members and friends can also help by keeping an eye out. The Bipolar patient should head straight to their psychiatrist as soon as they feel "off".

-What is "hypomania"?
Hypomania means, literally, "mild mania."

-What is "Rapid Cycling"?
Rapid Cycling is officially defined as "experiencing 4 or more bipolar episodes within 12 months". I am an extreme rapid cycler-often expericing cycles in a couple days or even hours. For some reason this is much more common in women.

-What can I do if my loved one is Bipolar?

Twelve things to do if your loved one has depression, manic-depression,
or some other mood disorder:

1. Don't regard this as a family disgrace or a subject of shame.
Mood disorders are biochemical in nature, just like diabetes, and
are just as treatable.

2. Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person. Chances are
he/she has already told him or herself everything you can
tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the rest.
You may only increase their feeling of isolation or force one
to make promises that cannot possibly be kept. (I promise I'll
feel better tomorrow honey; I'll do it then, okay?)

3. Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude.
It is possible to create this impression without saying a word.
A person suffering from a mood disorder has an emotional
sensitivity such that he/she judges other people's attitudes
toward him/her more by actions, even small ones, than by spoken
words.

4. Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal. Since persons with mood
disorders are not in control of their affliction, this approach
only increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you loved me, you
would not have diabetes."

5. Avoid any threats unless you think them through carefully and
definitely intend to carry them out. There may be times, of
course, when a specific action is necessary to protect children.
Idle threats only make the person feel you don't mean what you say.

6. If the person uses drugs and/or alcohol, don't take it away from
them or try to hide it. Usually this only pushes the person into
a state of desperation and/or depression. In the end he/she will
simply find news ways of getting more drugs or alcohol if he/she
wants them badly enough. This is not the time or place for a
power struggle.

7. On the other hand, if excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol is
really a problem, don't let the person persuade you to use drugs
or drink with him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her
use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the use of
drugs or alcohol, it is likely to cause the person to put off
seeking necessary help.

8. Don't be jealous of the method of recovery the person chooses.
The tendency is to think that love of home and family is enough
incentive to get well, and that outside therapy should not be
needed.

Frequently the motivation of regaining self respect is more
compelling for the person than resumption of family
responsibilities. You may feel left out when the person turns
to other people for mutual support. You wouldn't be jealous
of their doctor for treating them, would you?

9. Don't expect an immediate 100 percent recovery. In any
illness, there is a period of convalescence. There may be
relapses and times of tension and resentment.

10. Don't try to protect the person from situations which you believe
they might find stressful or depressing. One of the quickest ways
to push someone with a mood disorder away from you is to make them
feel like you want them to be dependent on you.

Each person must learn for themselves what works best for them,
especially in social situations. If, for example, you try to
"shush" people who ask questions about the disorder, treatment,
medications, etc., you will most likely stir up old feelings of
resentment and inadequacy. Let the person decide for THEMSELVES
whether to answer questions, or to gracefully say "I'd prefer to
discuss something else, and I really hope that doesn't offend you".

11. Don't do for the person that which he/she can do for him/herself.
You cannot take the medicine for him/her; you cannot feel his/her
feelings for him/her, and you can't solve his/her problems for
him/her; so don't try. Don't remove problems before the person
can face them, solve them or suffer the consequences.

12. Do offer love, support, and understanding in the recovery,
regardless of the method chosen. For example, some people
choose to take meds; some choose not to. Each has advantages
and disadvantages (more side-effects versus greater possibility of
relapse, for example). Expressing disapproval of the method
chosen will only deepen the person's feeling that anything
they do will be wrong.

-How can I explain Bipolar to others?

Stick to the basics. Most people can't retain everything about Bipolar; a lot of people don't want to. Just explain that Bipolar means you get mood swings, from elation to depression, and those mood swings have nothing to do with what is going on with their lives. It's caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain. Mania doesn't mean "crazy"-it refers to high emotions, fast talking, full of energy, not need much (any) sleep....etc. I'm a rapid cycler, which means that I can be ultra-excited one day and deeply depressed the next, for no obvious reason. I get into what are called "mixed states" when I seem to have a lot of energy but at the same time am really down, angry or panicky. When I'm manic, I have particular problems with spending money and shopping. Inappropriate anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. I might say or have said hurtful things that I really don't mean - I'm sorry! Just keep it short and simple, otherwise it becomes overwhelming.

-How Often Do People with Bipolar Disorder Cycle?

It depends on the patient!

-What can a girlfriend/boyfriend do for THEMSELVES to stay grounded while trying to deal with the emotional and mental struggles of their significant other?

I think my hubby (and family) would probably be able to better answer this one, but I'll do my best. It's important for loved ones to stay strong, which means being able to give to support, but sometimes means stepping back too. Mental illness is exhausting for everyone involved, and everyone needs a break at some point. Loved ones have to realize that the mental illness has nothing to do with them; you cannot control it; it's beyond your power. You can make suggestions and try and give support to the mentally ill, but often they will push you away. Be patient. That is the best advice I can give. Eventually, we will either hit our "wall" or something will change, and we'll realize we need the help/support/whatever. Realize that when you get into a relationship with a mentally ill person, it's lifelong. It never goes away, and you (as a couple) have to fight it daily. I'm not saying it's not worth it; but sometimes (often, actually) I question why my hubby sticks around with all the crap I throw at him. But he loves me, and I love him. And that's what it comes down to. I never asked for this illness, I don't want it, but I have it....and I try and make the best of it-I take my medications always as prescribed, I always see my doctors when I'm supposed to-so my hubby sees the effort I put into staying healthy, and that means he'll let it slide when I do screw up. So there's no real easy answer here. It's a long, very difficult road (like any life long illness), but the best advice I can give to the loved ones-stay strong, stay healthy, get therapy for yourself if you need it, and don't be afraid to reach out to others-many cities have family and friend groups for the mentally ill!

2009-12-13T00:17:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone,

I'm still working on some questions from my last post. I've been feeling horrible the last couple days, and I've had some bad news from my insurance company (which you will hear about later on) so I hope to finish up the "questions" post and hopefully a new one about my new situation (since I've found it to be quite common among Bipolars).

Hope you all are well.

What would you like to know?

2009-12-07T18:31:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone. I'm doing better physically today-actually made it to the gym for a kick ass workout. I'm worse mentally unfortunately; had to bump up my psychiatrist appointment from next week to this week. I'm having severe anxiety, and I'm having problems related to my new medication-a lot of swelling, and my thyroid levels are all off, which means my hormones are all off. So I will keep you all informed as to what happens (my doctors appointment is on Thursday). But....on a happier note:

I wanted to send out to you; the readers, (and I'm hoping you will respond honestly here), if you could ask a mentally ill person a question, what would it be? What do you want to know? What don't you understand?

Please post a comment (or send one to me on Facebook or my email: hou_k@hotmail.com if you don't want it to be public). I'd like to explore the "common misconceptions" together!

Hope everyone is well!

Question Number One I Received :

"What can a girlfriend/boyfriend do for THEMSELVES to stay grounded while trying to deal with the emotional and mental struggles of their significant other?"

** Note, I'm working through the questions and answers....hope to have them up by the end of the week!**

2009-12-06T02:01:00.000-05:00

So I was hoping to post more often than this, but the last couple weeks have been absolute hell. My psychiatrist is changing all my medications around, and I've felt HORRIBLE. I've been in and out of the hospital plus taking constant blood work and tests-not fun! But anyways, I will try and get back to my usual posting, hopefully my health will start to improve now. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping because I've spent all my time at a doctor's office, the hospital, or sleeping all day on my couch!

This won't be a long post since I need to head to bed, but I wanted to go over the different kinds of medications-the ones I've been on personally-that I can remember anyways; and what they actually do. *Disclaimer-I am NOT a doctor, and my words and advice are from a personal standpoint, not a medical basis*

I'll start with the anti-depressants, since they are the most common. I was put on Paxil when I was very young for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Anti-depressants are used for people who are (obviously) depressed, for people with OCD, eating disorders, chronic pain, and anxiety. The most common is called an SSRI: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which affects the level of serotonin in the brain. The worst side effect personally has been weight gain. Other than that, I haven’t noticed a whole lot. The Paxil completely changed my life when I went on it-the OCD was almost completely gone. It changed everything almost overnight.
For more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar, I was immediately put onto Lithium, the "wonder drug". Lithium is a mood stabilizer used in almost all Bipolar patients; it works by bringing the mania down and “normalizing” the depressive state. Lithium has been used for over 60 years, and is still used the same way today...it is very effective, but has many side effects. The doctors were very hesitant to put me onto it (I was 17) because they worried I would be irresponsible and drink/party and end up back in the ER. You must be constantly monitored on lithium to make sure the levels are not too high in the blood (which would be toxic) which means constant blood tests. Plus, drinking is a VERY bad idea....and even just getting sick with the flu means you have to discontinue your doses for as long as you are sick-if you are losing fluids by throwing up or diarrhea, your lithium levels can become extremely high very quickly. Plus you must drink a TON of fluids, and watch your salt intake. And that's just some of the side effects. I'm constantly monitoring myself; watching for weakness and hand tremors. And I’m not even getting into the “spacey” feeling-like being up in the clouds all the time. I can (somewhat) understand why many Bipolars (and the mentally ill in general) refuse to take drugs-they completely squash any creativity or emotions. Sometimes you feel like a shell in your own body. Plus there is the loss of memory-a HUGE side effect.
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithium_carbonate

I'm also currently on Valproic Acid (Depakene), an anticonvulsant. I currently haven't noticed too many side effects, but I only started on it about 3 months ago. I am experiencing a severe amount of swelling and weight gain, but my doctors haven't determined if that is related to the drug changes or not. I also have to have constant tests with the Valproic Acid for liver function (a urine test), because that can become a complication. I've also been severely nauseated for the last couple months, but again it's hard to know what drug is causing what side effect!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valproic_acid

I'm also on Xanax, which is a benzodiazepine, and I use it for times when I am extremely anxious in a certain situation. It's only works short term, but is meant for anxiety and panic attacks (which I also suffer from). I also take them to sleep (especially recently) when i can't fall asleep.
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alprazolam

Drugs I'm no longer on but have been in the past:

Seroquel (atypical antipsychotic) - Just came off it 3 months ago to go onto Valproic Acid. I gained at least 50 pounds with Seroquel-which was brutal. It stopped working for me after about 3 years or so. It made me extremely tired a lot of the time, and coming off of it was HELL. I didn't sleep for about 3 weeks straight (Seroquel aids in sleep), and felt like my insides were turning outside.
More Info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quetiapine

Lamictal (anti-convulsant) *** Went onto Lamictal, and my doctor warned me about a very dangerous rash I could develop called the SJS Rash (Stevens-Johnsons Rash) or Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis (TEN), both which are life-threatening. It starts out small and then spreads throughout the body and the mucus membranes. Only 2% of patients on Lamictal get the rash; needless to say, I was one of the unlucky ones, so I was taken off it immediately.
More Info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamotrigine

The next couple I don't have anything to say about them because they didn't work, so my doctor's took me off of them. I also don't remember what being on them felt like; but I wasn't on them long enough to feel any withdrawal symptoms when I came off them. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few!

-Topamax (anti-convulsant)
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topiramate

-Zyprexa (atypical antipsychotic)
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olanzapine

-Risperdal (atypical antipsychotic)
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidone

-Abilify (atypical antipsychotic)
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aripiprazole

-Clonazepam (benzodiazepine)-Used for anxiety
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonazepam

-Ativan (benzodiazepine)-Used for short term anxiety (situational anxiety)
More info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam

What is manic exactly?

2009-11-26T00:13:00.000-05:00

Alright....it's been a crazy week, so I'm going to jump right back into this!
"Bipolar" is somewhat misleading. Most people think of two poles-depressed and happy-since happy is the opposite to depressed. However, mania is not happy; far from it. Other than medication questions, I probably get asked this question the most, "What does manic mean?" I'm going to do my best to explain it to you.

Most people know what depressed means-everyone has natural ups and downs, and everyone experiences deaths and breakups. But the devastation of chronic depression is awful. It is easy to see when someone is suffering from depression-loss of appetite, lack of motivation, loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness, social withdrawal, unusual restlessness or irritability and at the worst, suicide attempts. However, with mania, is it much more difficult to see it manifesting-often patients themselves don't realize the symptoms until they are well into the throws of it. A good definition of mania is:

“Mania-An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behaviour.”-Medicinenet.com)

To the "outside world", mania often looks like happiness. Often a Bipolar patient coming out of a depressive state will go into a manic state, and simply think they are back to "normal". Or they will even realize that they are manic, but don't want to acknowledge it, because they feel something like happiness, after feeling sorrow for so long. And at first it does feel similar to happiness.

For the few weeks (sometimes months, depending on the patient), everything looks brighter. Things are finally going your way. Even that lady that at your work that used to scowl at you everyday smiles at you. You have increased sensations. Sex feels amazing-and you want it constantly. Food tastes so good; you can't believe you didn't want to eat it when you were depressed. You have so much energy! For the first time in.....who knows how long...you are getting everything done! And more! You are able to multitask. Everyone comments on how happy you look; how you are glowing; you are so witty and have so much to say. Life seems perfect.

Then a month or so later....you haven't slept in those few weeks. You are becoming constantly irritated and frustrated. Everything enrages you-the person that cut you off, the woman talking too loudly on her cell phone. All that energy is making you jittery and feeling like you are bouncing off the walls. You are making decisions that make sense to you but no one else. You are alienating yourself. No one is listening to your evermore fabulous and grandiose ideas. There are so many ideas and voices inside your head; you don't know where to start to make sense of them. What you thought was "multitasking" was really just doing many things at once, badly. People have stopped saying you look "glowing" and instead are telling you to rest and take a break. You are snapping at people constantly; always arguing.

And that's how it continues on....a constant war inside your head. Voices battling non-stop, with no break to sleep or rest. The voices tell you to cheat on your spouse, jump off a cliff, run down the street with naked. All judgment is impaired. After months of mania, patients often attempt suicide, lose jobs, break up families, enter a psychosis, or any number of horrible things. Mania is derived from the Greek word for madness; and manic patients are often treated as such. By the time they get to a hospital they are usually delirious and completely out of touch with reality. Unfortunately, learning when a manic phase is coming on is something that takes a lot of time, working with both yourself and the illness.

Although I have experienced suicidal lows, my illness tends to keep me "up" into the manic category. I have learned over the years what my "triggers" are, and what to watch out for when my moods start to shift (change in sleep patterns, change in eating habits, and sexual appetite. And then I get in to see my doctor immediately. While depression is unspeakably horrible, it only affects me, my hubby and my immediate family. Mania affects everyone I come into contact with. It can make me lose my job, lose my friends, and completely destroy my life. It has already caused me do things in my teens that were totally out of character, and I never want it to have that control over me again. My Mom has also experienced the difficulty of controlling mania-it takes over your entire life. So it's IMPERATIVE that patients learn their triggers and symptoms so that they are able to take control of their illness and learn how to stay healthy.

I hope that helped! :)

I apologize....

2009-11-22T01:04:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note before bed....I apologize for the lack of posts. I've spent the last two days in the hospital. The doctors still aren't sure what's wrong, they've found a lesion on my liver so I have to go in for more tests, plus they believe I had a burst ovarian cyst (oh the pain is unbelievable!). Anyways, I promise to update later today or Monday!

Thanks for all the support over the last couple days!

What IS Sanity?

2009-11-17T17:11:00.000-05:00

I was thinking yesterday, what (or who) determines what is "sane" and what is "insane"? There are many definitions. Sanity is defined by many people in many different ways.

Sanity: Noun
1. the state of being sane; soundness of mind
2. soundness of judgement.
(Reference: Dictionary.com)

Insanity: Noun
1. the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind
2. Law.-such unsoundness of mind affects legal responsibilty or capacity
3. Physicatry-physocsis
4. extreme folly, seneslesness, fooldhardiness
(Reference: Dictionary.com)

Don't these sound rather subjective? I Googled "society determining sanity" to see what others were thinking and saying about the subject. I came across a Yahoo page (www.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid20090506210347AAtECK5) discussing this exact topic. Jake had a very interesting post:

"Sane and Insane are set by societal standards. A man walking down the street naked to wash his clothes in a river in Anytown, USA will likely get arrested. Yet a man who does this same actions in some parts of India is seen no more awkwardly than we might view the mailman doing his job (or something else mundane)."

How true. Everyone has their own, personal, unique definition of sanity and insanity. When I go into the psychiatric ward I don't look at those patients as "insane". I look at them as unwell; people that need help, support and treatment. Yet many do not feel the same way, otherwise "crazy" wouldn't have become such an insult (similar to how "gay" is now used). Many people simply aren't exposed to unwell people-they think of One Flew over the Cuckoos’ Nest. Even a recent (within the last month or so) episode of the TV show House showed the main character of the show (known as House) in a psychiatric ward that was COMPLETELY unrealistic and not at all what a ward is like (in fact, a ward probably hasn’t been like that in at least fifty years!). But because these wards are SO often shrouded in mystery and SO often understood, the general public doesn't understand that the psychiatric ward is just another part of the hospital. It's (most of the time) a homey space, with doctors, nurses, beds, and all sorts of people-just like the rest of the hospital. The difference is that instead of having a physical illness, the patients in a psychiatric ward are mentally ill. Does that mean they should be locked up or stigmatized? But I'm getting off track (I plan to have a post just about hospitals to help everyone understand what REALLY goes on inside a psychiatric ward).

In a perfect world, no one would judge any one, and labels wouldn't ever be used. But as we all know, we live in a far from perfect world. So as a mentally ill person do I embrace this "crazy" or "insane" label and give it my own spin? Make fun of it, make people realize how truly ridiculous it is? Or do I stand up to it-tell people that just because someone has a mental illness doesn't make them "crazy" or "insane"? Do I tell them that the world is full of "insanity" if that's how you choose to define it? The examples I would define as "insanity" (just from my own life and the people I know)-moving across the country for someone met on the internet; spitting out babies when having absolutely no money to care for them; staying in a relationship for years simply because of laziness; thinking that money will buy happiness; pushing away friends and family because of fears of being hurt-and that's just some of them. But, as you can see, these are just life experiences. The actions may look insane to others, but to them, it's just living. I bring you back to the example of the man walking down the street naked. "Crazy" and "Insane" in Canada......."Normal" and "Sane" India or Africa. Let's drop the labels and judgements. We will never, ever get respect as the mentally ill without taking control of all the misconceptions and labels that are thrown at us. Throughout the many, many years on this Earth people have fought against each other because they were "different"-black, white, gay, straight, Catholic, Buddhist.....the mentally ill is no different. We are not understood because we aren't fighting to be heard. Let's MAKE them listen.

I'd love to get some feedback and hear what you all think. How do YOU define insanity?

Thank You!!

2009-11-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to send out a quick thank you! I've only had this blog up for a couple days, and I've had AMAZING response already. Family, friends, strangers-I've been getting all sorts of emails and Facebook messages supporting this blog.

So to all of you-THANK YOU! And please keep reading! :)

My History, My Life

2009-11-15T23:27:00.000-05:00

Before I start getting into my day-to-day experiences living with a mental illness, I wanted to go over my history, so that those who don't experience these illnesses personally can know exactly where I'm coming from. First of all, I will be concentrating mostly on Bipolar (formally known as Manic-Depressive) in my blog because it is the most serious of the disorders that I struggle with, and also the hardest to treat. The joy (sarcasm here folks) of being diagnosed with Bipolar is that other illnesses usually come with it in one big package (for me it was the ADHD, anxiety and social phobia). Although Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not always associated with Bipolar, often the two go hand-in-hand.
I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was 12 years old. It was one of the hardest times in my life. My father was diagnosed with OCD and treated with Paxil a few years before, so when I started showing symptoms my parents recognized it right away. The problem with OCD is it's not like a stomach ache. You can't just say "my tummy hurts" and go to the doctor. With OCD (in a child especially) you KNOW something is not right, yet you are so embarrassed and ashamed you will do absolutely ANYTHING to avoid talking about it. So while I was diagnosed with OCD at 12, I had been struggling for years. My obsessions were mostly clean-related: washing hands until they bled, having 6 showers a day, refusing to let people touch my hair, etc. I wasn't able to go to sleepovers because I was afraid of the "unknown" germs at my friends' houses. I avoided all pets because of pet hair (something I still struggle with now). It completely took over my life. And I was stubborn. I did EVERYTHING I could to avoid doing these compulsions. But I couldn't. When you are fighting with your own brain, how do you win? So my parents dragged my from child psychiatrist to child psychiatrist until finally, at aged 12, I found a doctor I was comfortable talking to. All the kids lovingly referred to him as "Santa Claus" because, well, that's exactly who he looked like. He was a fabulous psychiatrist-he never pushed; always listened. So I was put on Paxil (since it had worked so well for my Dad) and life changed (it seemed) overnight. Within a month, I was a completely different person. Now, don't get me wrong. OCD NEVER goes away. The "voices" are always there. But when OCD is under control, you are able to either ignore, or talk sense into the voices. I started to become more social, joined more sports and clubs, even my grades went up. It was if someone had taken a tonne of bricks off my small shoulders. My OCD was controlled throughout high school and (usually) up to this point. The only times when I have trouble are when I'm relapsing from Bipolar (which I'll get to in a minute) or under times of stress. I fight it every day, but I feel that most of the time, I win. And that works for me.
The Bipolar diagnosis didn't come until later. My Mom was diagnosed with Bipolar right around the time when I was diagnosed with OCD. She'd been manic for many years (definition of manic for those who don't know: “Mania-An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behaviour.”-Medicinenet.com), and had finally crashed. She had post-partum with both myself and my brother and was put on anti-depressants after both. The most common way of finding out about a Bipolar patient is by putting them on an anti-depressant-it throws them into the complete opposite state-mania. However, often is can take a long time for that mania to become bad enough for the person to seek help, or for them to crash. For my Mom it took many, many years.
I started to have symptoms around the age of 15 or so. I was what most adults would describe a "hellion." The teenager from hell. By 16, I was drinking, smoking, doing drugs (though thankfully never got into the "heavier" ones), having sex, and constantly disobeying every rule. I moved out of my house a few times into my boyfriends (at the time) house, until his Mom would tell me I had to go home. I have no idea how I managed to keep my jobs, but I always did, so I always had money to cause trouble. My parents knew something was up. This was not the typical teenager rebelling-I was causing harm to myself and to others. I was lashing out for no apparent reason. My parents tried for a long time to get me in to see a psychiatrist (Santa Claus was no longer in practice). By the time I'd just turned 17 I had to admit something was wrong. I couldn't control my emotions; I was everywhere at once. I was tired but exhilarated at the same time. It was so scary, none of it made sense to me. We were on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist when I had my crash. I was 17 and half. My boyfriend and I had just broken up. I felt like he couldn't handle my problems (which is probably true, at 17) but instead of working through them with me and supporting me, he just wanted to run. I was devastated. And then I had to go to school the next day and pretend everything was OK, even though we shared a locker and all of the same friends. I went home one night and had a huge fight with my Dad (I couldn't even tell you what it was about now) and couldn't take it anymore. I went to the medicine cabinet and took almost everything in there-painkillers, tums, stomach aids, and sleeping pills. You name it. And then I went back to my room and crawled into bed. But something was nagging at me, and I decided I was going to go downstairs and call my best friend at the time. She knew something was wrong right away, so I hung up and went back to bed. I found out later she'd called the house over and over again until someone picked up and told them that something was wrong. My parents called 911, and the police and ambulance showed up. I don't even remember them coming into my room. I was so drugged; I could hardly tell them my name. But I was so scared. And seeing my parents and brother standing with the police while I was loaded into the ambulance, I realized I didn't want to die. Not now, not anytime soon. I just needed help. I needed someone or something to give me hope again, a reason to live. I'll spare you all the details at the hospital, but it was ugly. I ended up staying for a month at the psychiatric ward there. I learned A LOT, not only about my illness but about life. I also got a new psychiatrist that I trusted and felt comfortable with. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I, plus rapid cycling (meaning I go from a depressed state to a manic state quickly, often within days or hours). I was put on a cocktail of medications. One of the hardest things to accept with these illnesses is having to take a lot medications for the rest of your life. No one wants to deal with a life-long illness. But c'est la vie. I decided to pick myself up, and get on with it. So I went to college, got married, and here I am now. I struggle daily with my symptoms-the symptoms of the illnesses that the medications can't help-and the side effects of the medications, which are often almost as horrible as the disorder itself. I get angry often that I have to deal with this disorder, while other people don't. But I'm realizing (and this is one of the reasons I've started this blog) is that I need to stop being angry. Anger gets you nowhere. I need to take that anger and channel it into passion-to make a difference in this world. I need to DO something with my life, I need to make all this suffering and pushing forward WORTH it.

So for those of you who have had experiences like mine (or friends or family members who had) let's stop being angry. The American statistic (couldn’t find the Canadian one) is that 1 in 4 Americans will be mentally ill at some point in their lifetime. Can you believe that? That is a higher number than cancer, AIDS, or anything else combined! Think of yourself. Now think of three other people. One of you is going to need help because of a mental illness. Shouldn’t we have the help and resources available? Let's use the good things in our illnesses-the creativeness, the determination, whatever it brings you-and bring it out into the world and get rid of this ugly mental illness stigma. Care to join me?

Ten Reasons Why I Hate A Bipolar Episode (something I came up with on a bad day)

2009-11-15T02:44:00.001-05:00

Ten Reasons Why I Hate A Bi-Polar Episode (No Order)

1. I'm apparently not allowed to have any real range of emotion without Chris/my parents/my family jumping all over me. So if I am quiet, they think I'm depressed and if I’m happy or excited (because sometimes I am just very happy or excited), they ask me pointedly in “that way” whether I'm feeling manic or have more energy, etc. And it drives me crazy - literally. It makes me agitated and then I do think it makes my mood shift. Chances are, if I’m manic or depressed and they have noticed-I’ve ALREADY noticed way before they have!

***Note I love my family and I know they are trying to help, but sometimes it's just too much***

2. I have to tell people that I’m relapsing and deal with their response. For some of my friends, when they know, it's no big deal - I mean, they are concerned and they check in with me but they still treat me like I'm normal. For other friends, they look at me like I'm from another planet because they just don't have any frame of reference so they can say stupid things but they mean well. But painfully, for others, they sound like they are being supportive but then stop calling or having any contact and those are the ones that hurt the most. Some of my really close friends haven’t been in touch at all and I'm really feeling abandoned.

3. I hate that at this stage of things I'm aware enough to know when I'm indeed feeling manic (as opposed to being completely manic and not giving a shit or completely depressed and not caring about anything anyways) and to feel myself responding in a way that make things worse with Chris or is a bit inappropriate in a given situation but (and this is the part that I hate) I'm still fully conscious and I care about what I'm doing and the people that I'm doing it to. I can feel myself overreacting but don’t have the power to stop it. I hate that at this point I know and feel and have such a hard time controlling the little and big ways that the disease spills out and hurts me or the people that I love.

4. The impact on Chris. It's always there... behind every response or reaction, there is this underlying fear that Chris needs to take care of me and find ways to make it “OK”. And that means everything from physically being with me 24/7 because I’m on suicide watch to having to pick up an extra part-time job because we can’t afford for me to be off on disability (yet again) from work, or we can’t afford the new drug I’m prescribed that isn’t covered in our insurance. It’s so damn UNFAIR. It makes me feel awful as a person and as a wife to have to deal with how hard this is on him (and his family and even friends, since it completely ties him up). I feel like an equal partner when I'm well and I can work to put things in place to help but it makes things worse when I'm sick because it feeds into the shame and the guilt I already have and feeds the mania/depression that is swirling around me.

5. I hate waking up and knowing today is going to be worse than yesterday.

6. I’m a lot more private when I'm sick. I think it's because I have all these thoughts and feelings that don't feel all that presentable to the public and so I retreat into reading or posting on a Bipolar support group, etc. I think I often leave out those most important, like Chris and my family. But I HATE feeling like a burden, like my illness takes over everyone else’s life. It already takes over mine; it shouldn’t take over any one else’s. But then I retreat into myself, and then I feel abandoned because no one knows that I need them. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve been trying to break.

7. I hate feeling afraid and full of anxiety and overwhelmed and on edge and resentful and pushed and prickly and tired and not tired and alive and dead - all at the same time.

8. I finally feel like I now have the support of a good physiatrist, but I feel like there is not much support in Burlington for me. I’ve already signed up for CMHA, but most of their group sessions are full by the time I get there to sign up, and they are all older people. I want to connect to people by own age, with my own problems. I really enjoy the Facebook groups, but it’s not the same as having the support of real-life people sitting in front of you. Even going into the hospital to have my weekly blood testing (which mentions which medications are being tested for on the form), I get side-way glances and whispers, like they are expecting me to start screaming like a crazy person. It’s hard enough to deal with this illness daily without dealing with the CONSTANT prejudice and wrong assumptions. And having no community support!

9. I hate that this disease is so intelligent and subversive. That it sneaks in and shifts the chemicals in my body and so I wake up one day and I have taken a different path then the day before. It changes my reality so that I feel like I'm in a parallel universe and that everyone else has it wrong (about me, at least) and I'm the only one that knows the truth. To some extent that's true - I am the only one that is inside my head but I can't take in anyone else's understanding of me as true and authentic. They say I'm a good person and worthy of love and I think I'm just fooling them and that they can't possibly know the real me – the real me that is damaged and wrong and bad.

10. I hate that I have to fight every day to stay “normal” when most people in the world just wake up in their bed and get on with their day. I hate that I can’t just get up and go to work and wait in traffic and go to grocery stores......things I can’t do most of the time. I just want to me a functioning member of society, and I feel like that option and chance has been completely stripped away from me. I want to live without worrying every day when the next relapse is going to happen; when it’s going to blindside
me.

A list of famous Bipolar people

2009-11-15T02:39:00.001-05:00

A list I compiled off the 'net (so keep that in mind) of people who are Bipolar or were suspected to be Bipolar. Interesting!

Actors & Actresses

Ned Beatty
Jeremy Brett
Jim Carrey
Lisa Nicole Carson
Rosemary Clooney
Eric Douglas
Robert Downey Jr.
Patty Duke
Carrie Fisher
Connie Francis
Shecky Greene
Linda Hamilton
Moss Hart
Mariette Hartley
Margot Kidder
Vivien Leigh
Kevin McDonald
Kristy McNichols
Burgess Meredith
Spike Milligan
Nicola Pagett
Ben Stiller
David Strickland
Lili Taylor
Tracy Ullman
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Robin Williams
Jonathon Winters, comedian

Artists
Ludwig Von Beethoven
Tim Burton
Francis Ford Coppola
George Fredrick Handel
Joshua Logan
Vincent Van Gogh
Gustav Mahier
Francesco Scavullo
Robert Schumann
Don Simpson
Norman Wexler

Poets
John Berryman
C.E. Chaffin
Hart Crane
Randall Jarrell
Jane Kenyon
Robert Lowell
Sylvia Plath
Robert Schumann
Delmore Schwartz

Political
Bob Bullock
Winston Churchill
Theodore Roosevelt

Why I'm here......and why you need to join me!

2009-11-15T02:33:00.001-05:00

Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, Anxiety, Social Phobia: All disorders that duel daily in my head. I've started this blog to inspire, to support, and to get talking about mental illnesses. We've been silent for far too long. The time has come for us to speak up-we want medical funding so we can find out WHY we have these disorders, and how to treat them. We want the opportunity to walk down the streets and claim "We have a mental illness and it's OK!". We want to be treated like everyone else in the hospital when we have to go into a psychiatric ward. We want the whispering and stares to stop if we accidentally drop the "M" bomb.

I haven't always felt like this. Until about a year ago, I hid my illnesses from almost everyone. Luckily, I have an extremely supportive family, hubby, and best friends who were able to take care of me during my (many) relapses. I hid it from everyone else. I made fun of the "crazies" like all my friends did. I joked about "killing myself" over something as stupid as wearing the wrong shoes....even though I did try and kill myself when I was seventeen, and came very, very close to succeeding. I hid it from every job, even though letting them know may have meant I would have been able to make special arrangements which would have perhaps kept me from relapsing so often. So what changed? I finally realized-this is not my fault. I felt embarrassed a few illnesses that had taken over my brain. The world wouldn't blame a person for a physical illness that was obvious to the eye.....why should I be blamed for something just because they couldn't see it? That's when I realized I was wasting so much energy on keeping my illness inside, and hiding myself, when I should have been focused on fighting all these stigmas we deal with daily. I should have been talking to people, educating them, helping them to understand that the mentally ill are no different than any other ill people-we need love, care, and support. So that is my goal through this blog. We need to work together. I promise you, this blog will be honest and truthful. I will have my good days, and most definitely, my bad. But I hope to encourage and inspire (and I hope you will do the same) and together we can make a difference.